I had a tough conversation with my oldest child (20, moved out at 19) recently They are convinced, and told me through tears and choking up, that they sincerely believe my wife/her mom is a narcissist. They then went on to describe a number of things that I had a hard time denying. I asked them, what about me? I'm not perfect. I know there are lots of things that I do and did that were not ok, and that I have some traits that might also be considered a bit narcissistic. And even then, I should have protected them from anything that might have happened and that I was sorry for any part I had. I told them that I always see the good and the potential in people, thats just my nature, and that I didn't believe that mom doesn't or cant love you. Maybe she has some of these traits but I can't believe shes a full blown NPD. I've since leaned heavily into trying to identify these traits. I've watched some videos. I've had a few "holy shit" moments when hearing descriptions of narcissistic interactions that hit too close to home. I've learned what "grey rocking" and "yellow rocking" is. Turns out I'm already doing that. But it reaffirms what I already knew: that the only thing I can really do is work on myself. I can be healthier physically. I can work on my own mental blocks. I can take time for myself, to be myself, to enjoy what I like, do hobbies, get good sleep, etc. And the consensus seems to be that if I do all these things I will only get better, and, conversely, if she really is somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, these things will probably just make her angrier. Or not. But I can't count on that. I can only get better.

Back to my original point. Being selfish. Is it bad? is it ok? is it even, dare I say it, good? Here's the thing. I don't think anybody is not selfish. But the word has such a bad connotation and I don't know of another, better word. In most people's mind, when you say selfish, they equate this to mean "So you just want what you want and you don't care about anybody else". Somewhere along the way I learned that this is what selfish means. And if I therefore do anything strictly for myself, then I am selfish, and that this is bad. So I started to wonder, what are unselfish things? What can I do to be unselfish, and to help people, especially those I care about the most? I have always cared about people and about humanity as a whole and about animals and this earth. I've always been concerned with human rights, the plight of the poor, evil people harming innocents, etc etc. Now comes the contradiction in my mind. I still wanted to make money, have a comfortable life, buy things, enjoy my own hobbies, eat what I like, etc. But I've always been willing to share. Many of those things are not fun without someone to do it with. But I've also always known I could probably do more for other people and the world. I could even devote my life to it, and give away most of what I have (time, money, etc) and that would be unselfish and seen as a good thing. Except I don't. Yes I offer to help people here and there. Whenever I see somebody stranded on the road I feel a pang to stop and help (and sometimes I do). The problem I have is in knowing where the balance is. But ultimately I have this stigma in my mind that if I do anything at all for myself, that I am a bad selfish person. I let things get away from me over the last 25 years. I barely do anything for myself anymore. I almost never spend any money on anything for myself (wife handles all finances). I would have to make a point of it, and essentially ask for permission because money is always tight. And I feel guilty because you know, food, mortgage and kids needs are just more important. So I don't.