Most Nice Guys and people pleasers think their problem is that they’re too kind, too generous, too thoughtful, too compassionate, too selfless. But what if that’s not actually true? What if your problem isn’t kindness at all? What if the thing you call kindness is actually control? That’s a brutal idea to sit with, especially if you’ve built your entire identity around being a “good person.” However, if you’re willing to look honestly at yourself, this realization can completely change your life, because there’s a kind of narcissism hiding inside many nice guys and people pleasers. I am not talking about the loud, arrogant, flashy narcissism everyone talks about online. I mean a quieter version: a more socially acceptable version. A version that disguises itself as generosity, empathy, and helpfulness. The strange thing is, the people trapped in this pattern often genuinely care about others. That’s what makes it so hard to spot. You’re not trying to dominate people by intimidating them. You’re trying to dominate people by pleasing them. You’re constantly trying to manage: - how people feel - how they see you - how situations turn out - whether everyone is okay - whether anyone is upset with you - whether you’re still viewed as a good person You become emotionally exhausted because you think you’re responsible for everything, and underneath all of that is what I call the Inept God Complex. Check out the full podcast episode below: If you prefer written content, click here to keep reading the full written version on Dan’s blog. Or click on your preferred option below - Watch on YouTube - Listen on Soundcloud - Listen on Apple Podcasts - Listen on Spotify - Listen on Amazon Audible

I had kind of clocked myself with this , but it still was a bit of a revelation. I spend a lot of my time in research, trying to get enough knowledge to be ok. I realise I have "put off " life. I have put off action for study. I can look back and realise I was brought up by hippies, artists, and academics...abd the academia crowd were just as odd, but they had more self beleif and more money... maybe that's why I idealized books and degrees (I have a couple of degrees now, but still they didn't change my life much). What ever the cause, I can see i have done this put off, learn more, value academia highly, and not try action many times in my life. So realization of this pattern is good...and now I can use one strategy from my kit bag of knowing, and act ! .. One action to concretize from ideas. This week its to focus on 1 book, read it and act on something, and review it ... I'll see how I go.

So a friend of mine has been having some major issues with himself mentally, like, brain fog and even having these extreme moments of anxiety and other things. So yesterday he told us that his doctor had done a genetic test on him and had identified that he had a variant of the COMT gene which causes his brain to metabolize dopamine at a faster rate than normal. I immediately looked on 23andme because I had done their testing years ago. Turns out I have it as well. The short of this is a two sided sword. On the one hand, this means we have a higher pain threshold and can do well under high pressure situations. On the other, this also means that at baseline we have more cognitive difficulties, like brain fog and such. Which for me rang so true it was like a WTF moment. I often do well when under pressure. I think thats why I still have a job. Because the rest of the time my brain kinda wanders through a fog but when the shit hits the fan I can jump into gear and fix something. I'm also the type that can be in a mental fog most of the time, but if its the middle of the night and shits going down I can jump right up and go handle things (kids getting sick, etc). But then I'm a wreck the rest of the day. Also its associated with anhedonia, which explains why it seems like I never really enjoy things. I'm really rarely ever happy. I come off as completely emotionless often. So, yeah. theres that.

Congratulations to @Alee Allana @Erick Kayli and @Rutger Diergaarde for winning this week's competition. Thanks to your posting, comments and other engagement, you've each one a FREE coaching session with me (worth $650). I'll be in touch shortly with details. Next competition will be coming soon...

Hi all, I've been a member of this group for some time now and when I became a member, I had no idea about my autism. I've recently been diagnosed. Now, most of the things Dan posts here I find totally logical I can totally comprehend the concept, but something is holding me back to execute the behaviour properly. I mean, I've improved somewhat. I notice I can be in serious conversations with my girlfriend now, about stuff she isn't happy about in my behaviour, and I can last longer before I shut down or get angry and stop listening. What I have learned so far about autism is that most people have a totally over-reactive nervous system. People tend to feel overwhelmed and or anxious without interactions with others...As soon as a perceived criticism is felt, this may well lead a meltdown or shutdown. So... My question here is, perhaps more to those who identify as autistic or neurodivergent in a different way, do you think steering away from nice guy behaviour is genuinely more difficult, compared to neurotypical people?