I have the two most amazing friends, Julian and Alison, we met at University more than 30 years ago. Our friendships are as strong now as they were during the honeymoon period. Probably stronger because we have been through a lot together. 30 years is a long time! In Autumn, I will have an operation in my colon and I suppose to have someone with me. I've been back in the Canaries for 6 years and I have met people. Fair-weather friends some of them, others I had to change so they felt comfortable around me. I have two sisters. One of them used to abuse when I was a child, and now as an adult, she thrives in looking for things to belittle me. Would I want her around me the day of my operation - no thanks. Plus I would make me a hypocrite. I know that my younger sister would do it for me, but unfortunately I don't have a date yet for the operation. The last time I had this operation, they called me the week before the operation! So, I am not sure she would have enough time to ask for the day off. And the other question, would she want to be there? Six years, lots of effort and when I suppose to have the assistance of someone, I don't really feel like I have anyone close enough to be there. Society says family is important. I say family - family blood- just water with colourants!

Why is it called mr nice guy syndrome if there is nothing nice about it? and it doesnt apply only to guys, what about women, children.. maybe because it is nice in a shallow, superficial way? I have a question for u. How do I find out in marriage that the relationship is/can be healthy after 20 years of people pleasing? I can imagine divorce is pretty messy with all that financial, existentional and emotional burden, especially with kids involved... Any suggestions, podcasts, advice, video or experience u can share?

I've noticed that instead of directly saying No, I'd revolve around it by being super diplomatic and making it palatable for the other person by providing lengthy explanations and details, they didn't care about. Now, I've decided to say no first and then see if I need to justify it, based on who is infront of me. How've you guys gotten comfortable saying no without feeling guilty or risking abandonment?

So I've been noticing something for a while now, irrespective of how I carry myself, I end up in arguments with security guards, shopkeepers, admin staff etc. And these are mostly arguments over little things like you can't park your car here and I just question them back with 'why is that?' and then it just escalates into a heated one. I feel like sometimes such staff in authority are being unreasonable and hence I give them a pushback. It's not that I just never listen to anyone but if someone makes up a rule on the go, I have a problem with that and that just drags the whole interaction. Also, even if I comply, I feel like I lost my frame or allowed him to violate my boundary and rights. And, I just go into a weird thought loop which consumes a lot of my energy to 'get him'. And I just keep questioning myself, 'oh why did I allow that?, why did I comply?' Whereas for some it's a very short conversation like: Guard: You cant stand here, park here, take pics or whatever Their reply: Okay no problem - I'm just trying to understand how you assess if you are an easy target where people pick on you easily? I've noticed that some people would do the same thing and they just get away with it. - Also, the thought loops are very tolling, how do you just make sure that you do not allow someone else to consume so much of your head space?

I had a tough conversation with my oldest child (20, moved out at 19) recently They are convinced, and told me through tears and choking up, that they sincerely believe my wife/her mom is a narcissist. They then went on to describe a number of things that I had a hard time denying. I asked them, what about me? I'm not perfect. I know there are lots of things that I do and did that were not ok, and that I have some traits that might also be considered a bit narcissistic. And even then, I should have protected them from anything that might have happened and that I was sorry for any part I had. I told them that I always see the good and the potential in people, thats just my nature, and that I didn't believe that mom doesn't or cant love you. Maybe she has some of these traits but I can't believe shes a full blown NPD. I've since leaned heavily into trying to identify these traits. I've watched some videos. I've had a few "holy shit" moments when hearing descriptions of narcissistic interactions that hit too close to home. I've learned what "grey rocking" and "yellow rocking" is. Turns out I'm already doing that. But it reaffirms what I already knew: that the only thing I can really do is work on myself. I can be healthier physically. I can work on my own mental blocks. I can take time for myself, to be myself, to enjoy what I like, do hobbies, get good sleep, etc. And the consensus seems to be that if I do all these things I will only get better, and, conversely, if she really is somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, these things will probably just make her angrier. Or not. But I can't count on that. I can only get better.