Back to my original point. Being selfish. Is it bad? is it ok? is it even, dare I say it, good? Here's the thing. I don't think anybody is not selfish. But the word has such a bad connotation and I don't know of another, better word. In most people's mind, when you say selfish, they equate this to mean "So you just want what you want and you don't care about anybody else". Somewhere along the way I learned that this is what selfish means. And if I therefore do anything strictly for myself, then I am selfish, and that this is bad. So I started to wonder, what are unselfish things? What can I do to be unselfish, and to help people, especially those I care about the most? I have always cared about people and about humanity as a whole and about animals and this earth. I've always been concerned with human rights, the plight of the poor, evil people harming innocents, etc etc. Now comes the contradiction in my mind. I still wanted to make money, have a comfortable life, buy things, enjoy my own hobbies, eat what I like, etc. But I've always been willing to share. Many of those things are not fun without someone to do it with. But I've also always known I could probably do more for other people and the world. I could even devote my life to it, and give away most of what I have (time, money, etc) and that would be unselfish and seen as a good thing. Except I don't. Yes I offer to help people here and there. Whenever I see somebody stranded on the road I feel a pang to stop and help (and sometimes I do). The problem I have is in knowing where the balance is. But ultimately I have this stigma in my mind that if I do anything at all for myself, that I am a bad selfish person. I let things get away from me over the last 25 years. I barely do anything for myself anymore. I almost never spend any money on anything for myself (wife handles all finances). I would have to make a point of it, and essentially ask for permission because money is always tight. And I feel guilty because you know, food, mortgage and kids needs are just more important. So I don't.

Here is something I have a hard time with. And it holds in my head as a great contradiction that makes me crazy and therefore doubt myself, constantly. I said this once, early in my relationship with my wife. It was a philosophical point that I felt worth discussion. Only she doesn't really like to talk about things like this (or science, or tech, or most of the things I like). The comment was this: People are ultimately selfish. She took this as me saying that I was selfish, which is totally different. I was not able to articulate clearly what I meant, nor did I have time to really elaborate. Its only been in recent years that I've been able to really think it through, but we are at the point where she basically doesn't care what I have to say about anything anymore. For decades I have been just suppressing my thoughts, my beliefs, etc because few people were interested in hearing or discussing it, prime among them, my wife. She now thinks I have never communicated with her out of some kind of intentional disrespect or controlling behavior when really I just felt like I was never heard, or when I was heard, it just upset her. I think this is just the "masking" behavior. So I just didn't talk at all. That of course is on top of the fact that I just experience social anxiety anyway. I would say sometimes I just dont have anything to talk about, but thats not really true. I do. My brain is flood of thoughts all the time. I just control the flow so it doesnt drown people. Now we are in a state where she doesn't want to hear me speak at all. Ever. So I just use "yellow rocking" which is to speak as little as possible, but not be obviously "short" which is more like grey rocking. Just simple, straight answers. Well, I didn't even get to the main point. I will have to make another post then.

Hey VIPs, here's the agenda for our next workshop (this evening), let me know if there's anything you want to add Mental barriers - how to overcome... - Responses don’t come to you quickly / need time to process - Fall into the defensiveness trap without realising - Start cool, but gradually escalate - Background stress makes you sensitive - Think "If I don’t address this now, bigger problems later" (reputation, precedence, expectations) - Rumination (your response bothers you long afterwards) - Attached to accuracy / need to correct their “truth” / teach them a lesson - Caring too much what they think Practical tips - Non defensive (unreactive) vs defensive (try to convince them) - Assertive (enforce boundaries) vs aggressive (controlling) - The pause - Stare down - Cold shoulder, - Change topic - “Oh you!” - Agree that THEY believe it - Yup - Double down - Ask them to repeat it - Curious about motives - Confusion about their morality - Advanced tricks

Hi all, I've been a member of this group for some time now and when I became a member, I had no idea about my autism. I've recently been diagnosed. Now, most of the things Dan posts here I find totally logical I can totally comprehend the concept, but something is holding me back to execute the behaviour properly. I mean, I've improved somewhat. I notice I can be in serious conversations with my girlfriend now, about stuff she isn't happy about in my behaviour, and I can last longer before I shut down or get angry and stop listening. What I have learned so far about autism is that most people have a totally over-reactive nervous system. People tend to feel overwhelmed and or anxious without interactions with others...As soon as a perceived criticism is felt, this may well lead a meltdown or shutdown. So... My question here is, perhaps more to those who identify as autistic or neurodivergent in a different way, do you think steering away from nice guy behaviour is genuinely more difficult, compared to neurotypical people?

I had a tough conversation with my oldest child (20, moved out at 19) recently They are convinced, and told me through tears and choking up, that they sincerely believe my wife/her mom is a narcissist. They then went on to describe a number of things that I had a hard time denying. I asked them, what about me? I'm not perfect. I know there are lots of things that I do and did that were not ok, and that I have some traits that might also be considered a bit narcissistic. And even then, I should have protected them from anything that might have happened and that I was sorry for any part I had. I told them that I always see the good and the potential in people, thats just my nature, and that I didn't believe that mom doesn't or cant love you. Maybe she has some of these traits but I can't believe shes a full blown NPD. I've since leaned heavily into trying to identify these traits. I've watched some videos. I've had a few "holy shit" moments when hearing descriptions of narcissistic interactions that hit too close to home. I've learned what "grey rocking" and "yellow rocking" is. Turns out I'm already doing that. But it reaffirms what I already knew: that the only thing I can really do is work on myself. I can be healthier physically. I can work on my own mental blocks. I can take time for myself, to be myself, to enjoy what I like, do hobbies, get good sleep, etc. And the consensus seems to be that if I do all these things I will only get better, and, conversely, if she really is somewhere on the narcissist spectrum, these things will probably just make her angrier. Or not. But I can't count on that. I can only get better.