Most nice guys don’t ruin their marriages by being selfish. They actually ruin them by being helpful. I know this because I’ve done this. Right after my daughter was born, my wife was suffering a lot physically, and I relapsed really hard into being a fixer. This created a massive disconnect between us. While I thought I was helping, I was actually controlling. I was trying to prevent her from having emotions that I found uncomfortable, and that made me build up a lot of resentment too. If you’ve ever walked into your house and felt like you’re having problems dumped on you the minute you walk through the door, that your help is not being appreciated, that the intimacy and your sex life have faded, and you don’t know why this happened or when it started, this interview with relationship coach and intimacy expert Monica Tanner is going to help you sort that out. We’re going to break down something that men completely misunderstand: the difference between fixing and supporting. We’re going to have a look at why resentment builds and how it destroys marriages and relationships, especially for people pleasers, and we’re going to explore how this creates an environment that is not emotionally safe, which is the leading cause of intimacy and connection problems later down the line. Monica is going to help us unpack the chain reaction: how fixing leads to expectations, which leads to resentment, which leads to intimacy issues - and what you can do to break out of the cycle. So get a pen and paper ready, because this episode is absolutely packed with practical tips from someone who really knows what they’re talking about… If you prefer written content, click here to keep reading the full written version on Dan’s blog. Or click on your preferred option below: - Watch on YouTube - Listen on Soundcloud - Listen on Apple Podcasts - Listen on Spotify - Listen on Amazon Audible

What if, by trying to avoid rocking the boat, you actually make it sink. If you’re like most nice guys and people pleasers, you’ve probably been walking on eggshells in your relationship to avoid upsetting your partner and to prevent conflict. You choose your words carefully. You avoid certain topics. You anticipate and prevent problems from happening. You pretend to agree with things. You follow rather than lead. You are generally just trying to keep the peace all the time, and you probably pat yourself on the back for doing it. But I’ll bet you’ve noticed something that’s pretty frustrating: Not only is this not working, the conflicts are getting worse as time passes. So either the drama keeps happening anyway—it’s just a different type of drama—or other problems are starting to emerge. Even if it looks like the two of you are reasonably conflict-free and things look okay on the surface, things like intimacy, respect, and knowing who you are are starting to deteriorate, or have gotten really bad over time. You start to feel resentful, highly anxious, feel like you’re kind of being eroded away, and you get a sense of dread that things are never going to get better—that you’re trapped in a prison and there’s really no way out. There’s this kind of paradox, or this trap, where you feel like you’re doing everything right and being a good person, and yet there’s constant tension. It feels like the problem never gets solved. In today’s podcast episode, we’re going to break down why walking on eggshells not only doesn’t work, it’s actually one of the main causes of conflict and tension in a relationship. We’re going to break down what it means to walk on eggshells, what it looks like, why it happens, how you became a person who does this, why it doesn’t work, why it backfires on you, and a healthier, more respectful, and confident way to deal with these issues that will actually reduce the overall conflict over time. The best thing is, you can reduce all this conflict without actually causing a lot of chaos. It’s not going to be as bad as you think it’s going to be, but you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Which would you prefer?

In today’s podcast episode, we’re going to talk about how to say no with assertiveness, even if you’re scared of conflict and you’re worried that you’re going to be seen as a bad person. Saying no doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, but it may get what you think of as ‘bad’ reactions. So if you’re to become more assertive, we need to talk about this. If you’re someone who doesn’t like to say no because you’re worried that it’s going to cause tension and create conflict, or you’re going to be thought of as a bad or selfish person, or you’re going to disappoint people, and that kind of thing scares you, then this episode is for you. Because people have a problem with saying no end up saying yes to a lot of things that make their life worse. They end up overworked, they end up burned out, they end up resentful, they even end up doing things that compromise their values and their integrity just to avoid that conflict. And this can create a lot of big problems down the line, problems much worse than just saying no to someone and them getting a bit upset. You probably feel like a morally good person when you say yes to everyone. But today, I’m going to show you that you’re not being ‘good’. You’re just being emotionally convenient to other people. And those are not the same thing. We’re going to see that over time, behaving this way leads to burnout, being abused and used as a beast of burden, codependent relationships which are super unhealthy, and a growing sense that other people’s needs are more important than your own and that you don’t respect yourself… Click here to keep reading on Dan’s blog. Or click on your preferred option below - Watch on YouTube - Listen on Soundcloud - Listen on Apple Podcasts - Listen on Spotify - Listen on Amazon Audible

Wassup, If you find yourself often hesitating before you make a decision or take an action, not because you don’t know what to do exactly, but you’re worried about how other people might react, or you feel like you need some sort of signal from the outside world before you can move forward, then you don’t want to miss today’s episode. Today, we’re going to explore why Nice Guys and People Pleasers often freeze and end up following the lead of others instead of making decisions for themselves. If you find yourself having to check with others before you move forward on a decision, or you procrastinate on something simple because you just weren’t sure how it was going to land with other people, this is for you. Do you often ask for advice rather than feedback? Like you ask for people’s advice on the idea you haven’t acted on, rather than feedback on the idea you have already started. Basically, you’re afraid of going first. You’re afraid of initiating, taking an action that doesn’t come with some sort of signal of approval and validation before you do it. This is something that I’ve called Green Light Syndrome. Maybe you’re hesitant to initiate sex, not because you don’t want to, but you’re scared that she might reject you. Maybe you’re hesitant to go for the promotion, not because you don’t want the job, but because nobody said that you were right for the role, and nobody said you should apply for it. When it comes to dinner, you might know what you want to eat, but you frame it as a question, like, what do you guys want to eat? You can’t just put the idea out there and take the risk that other people would disagree. Confident men don’t do this. They make the decision and THEN they deal with the consequences. You’re trying to deal with the consequences before making the decision. By the end of this episode, hopefully you’ll understand why it is you’ve got that vague sense of waiting for approval before you can take action and make a decision, and how to transition into someone who can go forward and take that risk and lead with initiative and know what they really want.