Day 5, we were asked to summarize our final report in our own words rather than to share the summary by Sage. Here goes mine. I have great difficulty starting projects where I basically am having to build from a blank page, but I learned that my creativity is alive and well when I have a container, like a website template. Apparently ADHD brains struggle with task initiation under conceptual ambiguity. The quote was "You don't need more discipline. You need a container." I understand now why I struggle so desperately to deal with the mundane tasks of life which frankly can't be ignored without creating damage. What explains that is that my brain is wired for novelty and meaning. My boredom signals that I'm not getting enough fuel to engage for my particular dopamine system. So I can stick with something and be extremely efficient as long as the right conditions exist. It is not true that I am incapable. I believe there might be something in my astrology also that I simply can't "all in" get into something unless it has meaning for me. My childhood memories are quite rare. What I thought were memories were actually what my mom had filled in when I asked questions during our occasional slideshow sessions. The few of my own that I did report fit into the categories of sound, story, and soul-to-soul connection. The pause I have been in for the last few years has been almost devoid of those three things, so it should not be surprising that I am struggling with even wanting to be here. Growing up with an unpredictable narcissistic parent and a dad that stayed out of the way because he realized I would be harmed even more if he showed attachment to me rather than total devotion to my mom, I learned to scan a room, predict what might be coming next, and then I would decide whether I wanted to perform to be pleasing or disappear to be safe. If I read the room incorrectly, there were consequences. So my survival radar kicked in then and has never really turned off. This explains my exhaustion.

I wanted to share a breakthrough in my absolute quest to get better sleep CONSISTENTLY. Last night, I told myself you're not getting INTO bed until you are ready to be IN bed without phone, with meditation on, earbuds OUT, phone on airplane mode! So what I did is I sat in my chair. Listened to a podcast. Wrote in my journal. So basically what I'm doing is SUPPORTING myself, titrating myself down from falling asleep with earbuds in and youtube on... to .. being in bed without phone, drifting off to a short sleep meditation. I'm sharing this because if you're tried getting better sleep before, but the fact is it isn't happening, THIS is what is actually helping to make the change for me. Is to let myself even "stay up a bit" but NOT let myself be IN bed until either I'm actually ready to sleep (or at least could be) or 10 pm... I noticed how being on my chair felt like respect to my system. It wasn't TOO much of a shock from what I'd naturally been doing before. So it felt scaffolded during this change rather than the ONLY "fun" being RIPPED from it 😅 Anyway, all I know for sure is that I did it last night. And it DOES feel good to do what we CAN do to help ourselves get good sleep. 🥰 I will do the same thing tonight, since this particular way gets very little resistance from my system 🤔 Love you guys!!