Today might be a "walking uphill" kind of day. But that doesn't mean we don't deserve to keep walking 🥰 Speaking from experience, I woke up with thoughts and feelings and fears etc... but I was able to grab my journal and say ok.. even if those fears come true, will it help me or harm me to become absorbed in them?? It is REALLLLLY challenging to do this by myself on a daily basis. Because I'm not by myself. Daughter is here. Which actually makes it harder. But that being said, my point is that even if I feel tired now and even maybe sore and confused etc... at least I know I did my morning routine. And that DOES feel better than NOT doing it. So, speaking to myself to, give yourself permission to have an "uphill" day. Give yourself permission to even have a "bad" day. But do NOT have that mean that you don't do the things that are good for you. I ALWAYS feel better when I try than when I don't. Even if I can't see it at the time. This is NOT saying to "push through" and keep harming yourself. This is saying if trauma or fear thoughts are stopping you in your tracks, and you were going to do something good for yourself (drink water, eat protein, be active, take a nap, etc), do NOT let the trauma pull you off I've started doing my qi gong on my patio. Yes a part of me is like can people see? And doesn't that say something..that I'm worried people will see me doing something GOOD for myself 🤯🥴 So therefore, I did it! And some tears even came (which is what I was afraid of), but I told myself tears can come but don't stop doing the thing I'm doing. Anyway, today might be an uphill day. That is ok. Still do what you can do for yourself, to SUPPORT yourself through it instead of punishing yourself 🥰 And if you already know and do this, that is definitely something to add to your gratitude list. I'm literally having to carve this out and it goes AGAINST everything I was programmed.. yet, I'm STILL doing it. Because the TRUTH is, we ALL deserve to be happy and healthy. Period.

But it helped me tremendously this morning when it came to me, and I feel called to share in case it could help someone else. I've decided to slightly tweak the wording I'm telling myself from "I'm healing" (which I need to and I AM...) to "I'm upgrading my programming" I feel like the latter has so much more hope to it, without denying the pain that was caused in the first place. It validates our pain without making us stay there forever. And it validates why it takes me a LOT of effort to feel certain things others might get to take for granted. Such as safety. But again, it isn't saying that "because I received this programming, I am doomed to live in it forever." It ALSO isn't saying "this life is my fault". Because if you genuinely KNOW you are doing the absolute best you can, then it isnt your fault! But the exciting thing is there are things we can do to upgrade that programming, so that we CAN change our experience of living! I hope this gives even a glimmer of hope to someone that there IS hope! I love you!!

So although I have a pretty solid pre-sleep wind-down routine in place, and am able to sleep until whenever (and wake naturally at 7:10am most mornings, which is fine), what I do struggle with is waking up during the night. I have two neighbours - one opposite, one on the other side of my bedroom wall - who tend to wake me sometimes. But other times I just wake for no good reason. I am noise-sensitive, so I have masking sounds playing overnight (nature sounds, water/waves/trees in wind/storms/creaking old wooden ship - combinations of all of those), these work great and have reduced the issue from the neighbours. I use meditation tracks playing softly to get me to sleep. I also have tinnitis but it's just something I have, it doesn't annoy me. I have tried earplugs but am prone to ear infections so would rather not resort to these. But other times, I will wake up and be completely awake. Like - I've had enough sleep (when I know I haven't) wide awake. And it's super difficult to go back to sleep. I re-start the meditation tracks, which are a nice 'it's time to sleep' signal. I never turn the lights on. I don't reach for my phone. The room is a comfortable temperature for sleeping. And I'm awake, staring at the inside of my eyelids, for up to an hour before I can get back to sleep. I don't even have thoughts churning around in my head, I just don't feel at all sleepy for about an hour. I know I need a solid 8hrs each night of actual sleep, and I don't tend to sleep later even if I spend an hour awake in the middle of the night. I don't mind the waking up, I'd just like to get back to sleep sooner. Daytime naps - I really can't do these. I used to be a daytime napper when I was permanently sleep deprived, but can't manage them these days now my sleep routine is a lot more predictable - daytime naps also don't re-energise me, they make me feel hungover and groggy for the rest of the day. I'm not annoyed at myself about the waking up, it's just something that's happening, and I've lived with it for a while, but it would be nice to get back to sleep a bit quicker each time.

Anyone experienced fear of picking up the phone? any tips how to overcome the anxiety?