Today has been really stressful. However I’ve focused on leaning on my breath and doing the things I’ve practiced.

((This is a request for personal insight and advice for approaching a single facet of severe CPTSD, I do not know if this is acceptable here in this forum or not, but I wasnt sure where else to reach out. Team, please feel free to remove or move this post if it is not appropriate for this channel.)) ----------------------------- I have chosen to begin this journey with the intention of learning to TRUST others again. I theorize that maybe, if others can consistently trust me as they do, I should and can also trust others who are safe. The question becomes ❤️‍🩹"how do I allow myself to trust the individuals (mentors) who are literally trying to provide me that space?" I have struggled my entire life with expression, rooted in the way I was raised by hostile environments that taught me to be as small and quiet as possible. The last three days have been very eye opening and frustrating for me. Even now, I am almost 36 years old- living in a house with my husband and two little ones- and I still do not feel safe enough to truly express any of the deep emotions within my chest. I feel things very deeply for brief moments- they show up in my eyes and the back of my throat- but never go beyond a few silent tears or the lump in my throat. This happens to me constantly through the day. Big feels, very small expressions and little to no space for them. However, trusting that I will not be shamed, silenced, ridiculed, or create tension in my environment (even now) left me feeling very blocked during Adam's incredible session on Wednesday. So much so that my body literally shut down and I lost a good portion of the session (time travel? Dozing? Fainted?) between the initiation breaths and regrounding with gratitude. I do not want to "waste" my 1:1 session if I am not truly able to experience it. I do not know how long the offer lasts after the initial sign up for the classes. I do not know what I need to do to help bring myself to "trust" a mentor (or my environment) to allow myself to release or experience whatever I need to experience. This has ALWAYS been the greatest hurdle for me when it has come down to therapy practices and my attempts at healing. I dont know that I'll have enough time in 90min to even figure out what the heck I need to do to utilize the session for its intended purpose.

"Happy Friday, breathy beings of light. 😊 I don’t know you yet, but I trust you with my exhale. We made it through the week, may your inhale be calm, your exhale be honest, and your nervous system finally remember it’s not on high alert. Let’s breathe like it matters!”

the actual big, bright, beaming, gloriously hot sunshine, radiating your natural glow and warmth out into the world ✨️ there's so much to be grateful for, so much to give out, so much to live for and it may not feel like it because the world feels so heavy and toxic right now but once you begin coming from a place of gratitude, a place of kindness, a place of compassion, love and respect, then things begin to shift... causing a ripple effect, spreading far and wide, infecting every beautiful soul residing this wonderful earth who in turn will then cause their own ripples, radiating even further and together humanity, the whole world, will become a much brighter, happier and healthier place so, BE the sunshine and keep on being YOU 💞✨️

Just to give a little context I asked my breath how it felt and the thought came in that it was tired which I posted about. Adam posed a great question in response to my post -(I wonder what it might need from you next, now that it’s had a chance to be heard.) I sat with that question and listen to my breath, I realized in all my years I have never taken a moment to really give my breath attention. When I noticed that, I automatically felt my breathing slow down and go deeper. Today, my breath feels relieved to be noticed.