Hi Everyone! I’m Jay, Doug and his methods are powerful. He has helped my wife and I substantially work through conflict and we have implemented his affect labeling with our children and have great success with it. Thank you for inviting me into this community! Doug’s work is a staple and a core component to the work that I do training on how to stabilize nervous systems. An area I have challenges with are gratitude and empathy towards myself. Being married with younger children there is always a new challenge and conversation to correct with affect labeling!

I think we all saw the video and u can find it on YouTube. My main Question is how, at some point, after the initial non-rationale response do you actually explain there is a nail in the head? Or is the point to just to de-escalate?

Most of us have unwarranted entitlement expectations from our significant others. No one helped us connect the dots that, as adults, we cannot expect others to meet our unstated needs. We need to ask for them to met. More importantly, we need to be willing to accept “No” for an answer without blaming or shaming our partner. Relationship negotiation doesn’t sound very romantic or sexy, but it is the foundation of lasting love. Without strong, conscious relationship negotiating skills, couples are bound for conflict, fighting, and frustration. Here are four principles of relationship negotiation. Relationship Negotiation Principle 1: Fairness Is What You Create, Not What You Deserve Many people believe that life is supposed to be fair. If “the rules” are followed, if we eat our vegetables, if we are nice, and work hard, somehow we will be rewarded for our goodness. In relationships, the myth is if I am nice, loving, kind, and affectionate, my partner will do the same for me. Sadly, this myth is a lie told to us in childhood to make us behave like good little children. Life is not fair, and you are not entitled to fairness. There, I said it. If you want to be treated fairly, you have to work at it. Fairness is not some gift bestowed by your fairy godmother. On other hand, a good life is not about grabbing everything you can for yourself to the exclusion of everyone else. That’s not fair either, to you or to those around you. There has to be a balance, and balance is created through relationship negotiation. Fairness is what you create, not what you think you are entitled to because you are good person. Principle 2: You Have to Ask for What You Want As infants and small children, we could not ask for what we needed. We could only make a lot of noise to get someone’s attention. It was up to someone else to figure out whether we needed a diaper change or a bottle. Miraculously, Mom or Dad appeared and took care of us. While we learned to negotiate many other aspects of our lives as adults, we were not taught how to ask for what we needed and wanted in relationships. Instead, we carry a belief our unspoken needs that our partner will instantly recognize and satisfy us.

This video will help you if you are lonely and isolated in your relationship.

I’ve worked in maximum-security prisons, with lifers, gang leaders, and executives in boardrooms. In all those places, one thing is universal: people get angry when they feel unseen, unheard, or unsafe. That’s why so many strategies—tactical empathy, active listening, even staying calm—don’t work as well as we hope. They’re good ideas in theory, but when emotions are high, the emotional brain runs the show. Logic, reason, and problem-solving shut down. Here’s the counterintuitive part: You can calm someone down in 90 seconds or less by labeling what they’re feeling. Not guessing. Not assuming. Just gently reflecting what’s obvious: Neuroscience backs this up. In Matthew Lieberman’s Putting Feelings Into Words study, brain scans showed that naming emotions reduces activity in the amygdala (the threat center) and activates the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that regulates emotions). In short: naming emotions cools the emotional brain fast. I know this sounds weird. I know it feels risky. And yes—if done poorly, it can backfire. That’s why it’s a skill you have to practice. But when done well, it’s simple, fast, and works even in extreme conflict. I’ve taught this to murderers in maximum-security prisons, police officers in crisis situations, and executives navigating explosive boardroom fights. I’m curious: If you’ve ever tried this, how did it go? If you’re skeptical, what makes it hard to imagine using? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.