I spent 20 years de-escalating violence in San Quentin and Folsom. I stopped a 300-inmate riot in 90 seconds using affect labeling. That is when I realized something important. A prison riot and a marriage-ending kitchen table argument share the exact same biology. The emotional storm does not care if you are wearing a jumpsuit or an apron. The amygdala hijack is identical. If this method works in maximum-security prisons, it works at home. The skill is the same. The stakes are higher.

Recording Link (good for 60 days) https://us06web.zoom.us/rec/share/C2s4KWMUvk3y6lu21vPdXebM4TAgjfImxFoBgPNRT4xjgH0YCS-hiQbFvEt6AyY4.uIfcdnoQhkxq2I4_ Passcode: 1hyriF?i Team Updates and Leadership Progress The team discussed personal updates, including Michael's decision not to ethic label a text message to a colleague returning from maternity leave, which Doug praised for demonstrating growing emotional recognition skills. Terese shared her plans to launch an email project on February 17th and practice a conversation with her brother using ChatGPT. Pegotty described her positive experience connecting with people on her birthday and anniversary, while Rina mentioned the relief of completing the formatting for her book manuscript, which is now in the final stages before publication. Doug shared his progress on "Empathy Leadership," noting that the developmental work is complete and the book is moving toward copy editing and production Dimensions of Communication in Divorce Doug led a discussion on communication, particularly in the context of divorce, emphasizing the complexity of the concept. Pegotty shared her challenges in creating a two-hour module on communication, highlighting the multiple dimensions involved, including conflict and emotional intelligence. Doug and Tallison discussed the importance of internal communication and emotional awareness, with Tallison suggesting that communication with one's higher self is crucial. The group explored various aspects of communication, from personal dialogue to professional negotiations, underscoring the multifaceted nature of the topic. Divorce Coach Competency Requirements The group discussed the skills and competencies needed for divorce coaches, including safety, clarity, accountability, de-escalation, and emotional management. Michael shared his experience with managing meetings and emphasized the importance of strong leadership to prevent discussions from becoming unproductive. Jim mentioned his thoughts on emotional development and the creation of a spectrum to illustrate wisdom and emotional competence, referencing Brene Brown's work and concepts like alexithymia.

“I am not going to talk about this until you calm down.” You think you are setting a boundary. You are actually escalating the storm. When your partner is emotionally flooded, their prefrontal cortex is offline. Telling them to be reasonable is like telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. Every time you demand logic from an emotional storm, you are taxing the relationship. This is Reasonability Debt. The debt compounds. The distance grows. Eventually, you stop trying altogether. If you want a partner who listens, you must be the leader who labels. Stop trying to win the argument. Start trying to find the emotion.

You are feeling distant from your partner. Not angry. Not fighting. Just cold. You manage the house like business partners. You coordinate schedules like project managers. But the intimacy is gone. Most couples try to fix this with date nights or “better communication.” That is the wrong tool for the job. The Roommate Phase happens when emotional storms get ignored long enough that the brain stops trying. Your amygdala learns that expressing emotion leads to logic, defensiveness, or dismissal. So it shuts down. A new resource is now available in the Free Tools section: The Connection Reset. It is a one-page protocol with three affect-labeling phrases that stop the shutdown and reboot intimacy in 90 seconds. Grab it here: https://www.skool.com/de-escalate/classroom/1ac1b963?md=5e68f30215834bfc967bda1e7e05c5db