I’ve Spent 20 Years Calming Angry People. Here’s Why Labeling Emotions Works (Even When It Feels Wrong)

I’ve worked in maximum-security prisons, with lifers, gang leaders, and executives in boardrooms. In all those places, one thing is universal: people get angry when they feel unseen, unheard, or unsafe.

That’s why so many strategies—tactical empathy, active listening, even staying calm—don’t work as well as we hope. They’re good ideas in theory, but when emotions are high, the emotional brain runs the show. Logic, reason, and problem-solving shut down.

Here’s the counterintuitive part:

You can calm someone down in 90 seconds or less by labeling what they’re feeling.

Not guessing. Not assuming. Just gently reflecting what’s obvious:

Neuroscience backs this up. In Matthew Lieberman’s Putting Feelings Into Words study, brain scans showed that naming emotions reduces activity in the amygdala (the threat center) and activates the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that regulates emotions). In short: naming emotions cools the emotional brain fast.

I know this sounds weird. I know it feels risky. And yes—if done poorly, it can backfire. That’s why it’s a skill you have to practice.

But when done well, it’s simple, fast, and works even in extreme conflict. I’ve taught this to murderers in maximum-security prisons, police officers in crisis situations, and executives navigating explosive boardroom fights.

I’m curious:

If you’ve ever tried this, how did it go?

If you’re skeptical, what makes it hard to imagine using?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

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