It’s not really a scream, it’s just emptying thoughts. Last week I came across a question wich has been stuck in my head: “ are you really trying, or are you telling yourself you are?” That question really stings, at the same time I can’t tell why exactly .… Is it because things don’t feel the way they are supposed to? Is it because I take brakes? Maybe I just like complaining about stuff? Because what if… what if I’m actually capable of achieving my goal? Today I also hit the halfway point in a 19week workout program, when I started I thought of it as a big win. I don’t feel accomplished at all… Also I’ve been spending a little more time with people, it should be better. I’ve been to a birthday party, I’ve been on a lunch with a girl I’m starting to like (I think) But the moments I’m alone at home , I feel more lonely than I ever did before. Right now when writing this tears ore rolling down, I don’t know why. Will it ever be okay? Will I ever be genuinely happy/proud? At the same time I feel really selfish, why am I thinking of myself all of the time? I don’t want to. I want to deeply care about the people around me, genuinely support them. And honestly I get why people may not want to spend time with me, even I don’t want to spend time with myself I wish there was some way to know what to do. I wish I knew how to become a better man.

Was making cookies with my girls and was licking the bowl. We each ate a spoonful of cookie dough. It was the only thing I’d eaten today. It was delicious- because I make delicious fricking cookies 🍪. And then like a ton of bricks. The shame. The name calling. The feeling of failing. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. And honestly, I’m not okay. I know I’m not okay. I know what I’m doing is not okay. I’m weighing myself multiple times a day. I’m checking my body in every mirror or window. I’m constantly thinking about food, and then convincing myself why I shouldn’t eat. Eating only when I have to- usually dinner. Tracking how many calories I’ve burned on my Apple Watch. Daily 45 minute burn boot camps and nightly walks when I get the urge to eat. I’m pushing the limit. I know it’s not okay. I know it’s not good. Then why can’t I convince/train/over ride my brain in doing what I need to do? Am I even trying? Do I need to make a schedule and designate times I’m going to eat- hungry or not? Am I that weak that I can’t sit and feel the uncomfortable feelings? I know it’s all connected somehow. It all ties together- the family dynamic. Depression and the dangerous habits that come with it. I always thought I conquered it. I’m here. I’m alive. I have a beautiful family. But I didn’t. I didn’t conquer anything. It just changed it’s shape.

Hello, I been trying to get busy since my bestfriend pass away last month, becaus we wer destans friends for a while a she lives in a diffrent counttry now. My mom told me I’m not allowed to go to the funeral a that I should move on that it’s not a big deel. She says that she didn’t cry or grief when her parents passed an that I’m being dramatic. My best friend was my everything wer friends since 3rd grade an our separation didn’t disconnect our friendship at all I can’t move on without remembering that she was once in all my classes laughing with me about anything making me smile wen I had bad day an I don now if I can move on without knowing that she is at home sending me videos of her doing things or chores or whenever she goes out alone she’d video call me to aconpany her.

As some as you may know I’m the youngest of 3 and in March both of my siblings moved out Sister moved to a different state and brother joined the navy he did it he’s officially a sailor and graduate today but I couldn’t attend it my parents flew to Chicago and because of when my birthday is I couldn’t get the proper passport to be able to go on the plane and we could of driven but then my parents world have to take off a whole week of work and I would have to miss dance ( which is not an option since recital is in 4 weeks ) it just wasn’t possible for me to go to the actual graduation and it sucks that I couldn’t be there for him it sucks that I couldn’t hug him it sucks that I couldn’t see him in person It suck that I have to act ok and keep moving and doing everything that I need to do this week ( start work tomorrow) This fucking sucks I’m so angry and pissed off about this situation I miss him so badly

Also my (retired) Work Mom died suddenly and I didn’t Realized till I saw this category opened how very pissed off I am about it.