Jun 11 • Scream Into The Void
Vent
Was making cookies with my girls and was licking the bowl. We each ate a spoonful of cookie dough. It was the only thing I’d eaten today. It was delicious- because I make delicious fricking cookies 🍪.
And then like a ton of bricks. The shame. The name
calling. The feeling of failing.
This is harder than I thought it was going to be. And honestly, I’m not okay. I know I’m not okay. I know what I’m doing is not okay. I’m weighing myself multiple times a day. I’m checking my body in every mirror or window. I’m constantly thinking about food, and then convincing myself why I shouldn’t eat. Eating only when I have to- usually dinner. Tracking how many calories I’ve burned on my Apple Watch. Daily 45 minute burn boot camps and nightly walks when I get the urge to eat. I’m pushing the limit.
I know it’s not okay. I know it’s not good.
Then why can’t I convince/train/over ride my brain in doing what I need to do? Am I even trying? Do I need to make a schedule and designate times I’m going to eat- hungry or not? Am I that weak that I can’t sit and feel the uncomfortable feelings?
I know it’s all connected somehow. It all ties together- the family dynamic. Depression and the dangerous habits that come with it. I always thought I conquered it. I’m here. I’m alive. I have a beautiful family.
But I didn’t. I didn’t conquer anything. It just changed it’s shape.
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Vent
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