Long Read w/ ?s to prepare for training · Human Intelligence by Soma+IQ

Long Read w/ ?s to prepare for training

((This is a request for personal insight and advice for approaching a single facet of severe CPTSD, I do not know if this is acceptable here in this forum or not, but I wasnt sure where else to reach out. Team, please feel free to remove or move this post if it is not appropriate for this channel.))

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I have chosen to begin this journey with the intention of learning to TRUST others again.

I theorize that maybe, if others can consistently trust me as they do, I should and can also trust others who are safe. The question becomes ❤️‍🩹"how do I allow myself to trust the individuals (mentors) who are literally trying to provide me that space?"

I have struggled my entire life with expression, rooted in the way I was raised by hostile environments that taught me to be as small and quiet as possible.

The last three days have been very eye opening and frustrating for me.

Even now, I am almost 36 years old- living in a house with my husband and two little ones- and I still do not feel safe enough to truly express any of the deep emotions within my chest.

I feel things very deeply for brief moments- they show up in my eyes and the back of my throat- but never go beyond a few silent tears or the lump in my throat. This happens to me constantly through the day. Big feels, very small expressions and little to no space for them.

However, trusting that I will not be shamed, silenced, ridiculed, or create tension in my environment (even now) left me feeling very blocked during Adam's incredible session on Wednesday.

So much so that my body literally shut down and I lost a good portion of the session (time travel? Dozing? Fainted?) between the initiation breaths and regrounding with gratitude.

I do not want to "waste" my 1:1 session if I am not truly able to experience it. I do not know how long the offer lasts after the initial sign up for the classes. I do not know what I need to do to help bring myself to "trust" a mentor (or my environment) to allow myself to release or experience whatever I need to experience. This has ALWAYS been the greatest hurdle for me when it has come down to therapy practices and my attempts at healing. I dont know that I'll have enough time in 90min to even figure out what the heck I need to do to utilize the session for its intended purpose.

I am aware that I have perfected silencing myself like some kind of "personal expression assassin". I'm ashamed and afraid of taking up space, and I don't know how to allow myself to trust that I am not "burdening" someone else. Furthermore, in an even deeper conundrum, I struggle with being able to identify what it is I even need to express or experience. I dont know anything except serving others without boundaries- I do not know how to recognize these moments within myself or how to face them appropriately. I just bury them- or "eat" them- and forget about it entirely with what feels like a mind wipe. (I have a very terrible memory because of this- I suspect it has to do with extreme extreme levels of burnout).

I am excellent and incredibly gifted in the art of making others feel comfortable and providing them the safe space to exist freely without judgment. This has felt like both a blessing and a curse while I have been learning to navigate my boundaries. I am EXTREMELY EXTREMELY sensitive to other people's energy. Example for anyone present yesterday, I could tell Nadeem was off the moment I opened the stream. I could "see" it in his energy field around his body and the colors in his eyes- I wanted to ask if he was okay but did not want to do it publicly~ only to find out about his heartbreaking loss shortly after.

I can see the most subtle indications (sometimes I can even "see" where the illness or injury is in their body) and can sometimes "hear" other people's thoughts, There have been times I was explaining their train of thought for them before they ever mentioned what was on their mind. This extreme sensitivity has left me hyper aware of the authenticity- and lack there of- in those I experience for even limited amounts of time, which has over the years, trained me to be extremely guarded and wary with my honest emotional expressions.

Listening to Steven's integration and definitions yesterday gave me the glimmering idea that maybe I'm overthinking all of this and I actually dont need to worry as much about it as I am. According to his definitions, I am accurately meeting all of the points he discussed, and will be exceptional in this line of work...... But I just cannot help but feel like I need to work on myself before I can help others. I remember him saying this isnt true, and I agree with him that my greatest moments of healing were when I could help someone else through something. I also dont want to continue my toxic pattern of putting everyone else before myself, and I really want to learn how to be present with myself and listen to what's going on with my "inner child" and all else that has been buried and left unheard for the last 36 years...

I am actively struggling with (and honestly always have) having little to no support in my life. I have always been the support, the "fixer", the rock, and the pillar- Very very rarely does anyone show up for me in a way that makes me feel seen or heard. [The song "Mr Cellophane" comes to mind, IYKYK] The individuals closest to me are not now, nor have they ever been, comforting types. They definitely do not know how to "meet me" in my quest for self reflection and healing and growth. Since joining the summit 4 days ago, there has been barely any *genuine* positive feedback from those I have told about my choice to join and engage in training. They could care less that I want to open my own practice here and seem more inconvenienced/annoyed by the idea than anything. I have been met with negative aura/energy and arguing in my home from my husband and direct personal attacks from mother while she's drunk in the middle of the night.

Without a doubt, I am still trying to survive in a toxic and low vibration. I do not want my kids to live this way- I want them to feel safe to explore life and experience every part of their story. This is one of the biggest reasons I want to create my own practice~ To gain the traction I need to move us out of this emotional swamp.

💜Does anyone have any insight or experience with this sort of situation?

💜Does anyone have ideas on what I can do to convince my body that it is okay to trust our mentors and let this stuff go?

P.S.~ I've been trying to find a talk therapist who accepts insurance or anything else so i can have daily/frequent sessions to begin breaking this open, but have not had any luck.

💜Does anyone (team?) have the information for the insurance company Adam mentioned that is roughly 200 a year that will help cover these sessions so I can practice directly more often?

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