May 1 (edited) • 🖤 General
Heaven Is…
“Sometimes I wonder, is it wrong to long for our former days?
When my life appears on track from the outside
when everyone believes I have all I could ever want
there’s still a piece of me searching for clarity
Memory alone isn’t enough
Maybe it’s just another restless night
tossing and turning
chasing sleep while questioning why I feel this way
I close my eyes,
trying to let it all fade
And then all at once a memory crashes over me like a rogue wave
Unpredictable and unforgiving
Reality blurs at the edges
$7,000 and the promise of it all to come,
taking a man at his word
A piece of land to build on
A new beginning
A chance to bring a growing family together,
to carve out a place of their own
Time passed, So did the deed
And in an instant,
a man who once believed he had nothing
held the key to everything
And then there I am
eight years old again,
perched atop a pale blue flight of handcrafted stairs
built with ropes and boards long before I was ever a thought
Yet here I sit, arms wrapped around bent knees
gazing over the Long Island Sound
watching the glistening horizon
wondering when things would change for me
A bluff overlooking brush, water, and sand
A sun always setting over the sea
painting the sky in brilliant colors
as if just for me
Hues of orange, pink, blue, and violet shift
as minutes slip through my fingers
counting down to the last sliver of light
The day vanishes into the tide
folding itself into the rhythm of the waves
It was unlike anything you could ever see
with the naked eye
Tumbled glass
Rocks polished smooth by time itself
The ocean’s voice crashing against the shore a sound that could only be created by something divine
I’ve never been religious
never been one to pray
but I swear, on everything I’ve ever known,
there is nothing more spiritual than
where that shoreline water met my feet
Clear and crisp
Pure and pristine
I can still close my eyes and be there,
standing on that beach
I’ll never forget the day I turned 14
I thought that place wasn’t enough
I’ve always had trouble seeing the good that’s right in front of me
Watching life pass by, watching everyone grow
impatiently waiting for my turn,
lost in my imagination
with no sense of time
Isn’t it ironic that we aren’t born understanding time?
If I had known then what I know now,
I wouldn’t have rushed through those years,
wouldn’t have pretended to feel nothing when I said goodbye.
When it all went away, I had to learn
sometimes you have to survive on belief alone
Trust in things you can’t see
just to make it through the darkest of times
Watercolor skies
Water made of glass
The scent of smoke as we lit our final bonfire,
whispering silent hopes that the flames would last
I believe in the promise of such a vivid memory
No amount of pain, no loss,
could ever take it from me
So when I wake up and wonder what the point of it all is,
I go back
To myself eight years old, sitting on those stairs
watching stars take their place in the night sky
I’ve forgotten a lot,
or maybe I’ve chosen to let things go
But nothing is as vivid as those years
on the Riverhead coast
There you are in my darkest times,
skipping steps just to feel the sand beneath my feet
where imagination ran wild
where I could just be me
I can still feel the deck beneath my feet,
hot and dry
wood creaking under my younger self
as I raced to catch the last glimpse of the sun
If only I had known
I would have captured each moment
held onto it so tight
No words could ever express how grateful I am
for the family who worked tirelessly
to give me a place
where I can always close my eyes
and find peace
I may not remember last week,
but I will always remember the sound and the rocks beneath my feet
It brought my imagination to life
It let me be myself
That is my heaven,
and forgetting it
would be a punishment worse than hell
There I was
And now I know
that’s where I’ll always long to be
gazing into an endless, glittering sea”
I wrote this about a place I grew up with that has become my inner sanctuary, long after it was sold and long after my Grandpa passed. Yesterday was the anniversary of his passing so I felt called to revisit it and share 🤍
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Heaven Is…
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