The 3 Levels of Confidence - a little rant · Brojo: Confidence & Integrity

The 3 Levels of Confidence - a little rant

There are 3 general levels I’ve identified on the self-confidence spectrum: Insecure, Coping, and Secure.

Insecure is where you’re unable to take value-based actions because you’re either too afraid or you’re unaware that you lack confidence.

Coping is where you have some awareness, and you try to push through your insecurities with new behaviours, setting goals and disciplining yourself to follow strict rules.

And Secure is where you behave healthy in a way that doesn’t feel like trying (in the way Coping does), and is based on nuanced in-the-moment decisions related to your core values.

A common issue I see is people mistaking Coping for Secure. Coping is where you’ve found a way to paper-over, push through, or otherwise circumvent your insecurities, but ultimately you are still ruled by them. Confidence is where the insecurities no longer hold any sway over your decisions, even if they still exist in your mind.

The best way to demonstrate this is with clear examples.

When someone is Insecure, they’re worried about what their parents think of them, to the point where they just do as they’re told. As Coping for this, they might try to prove their parents wrong and rebel against them, i.e. "The best revenge is massive success" (Frank Sinatra). Notice how this rebellion still stems directly from caring what the parents think. A Secure person would not factor in how the parents react at all, neither trying to win their love nor prove them wrong, i.e. "The best revenge is to not be like them" (Marcus Aurelius).

An Insecure person might be too scared to go for a promotion at work but feel pressured to go for it because that’s what they’re supposed to want. As Coping, they might push themselves to “fake it til you make it” and put on a confident performance at the job interview to get the promotion. A Secure person would just be honest in the job interview, and may not even feel the need to get promoted unless it was an act of integrity to apply for the job.

An Insecure guy daydreams about having a girlfriend but never takes an action that risks rejection. When he moves into the Coping phase, he might resort to Pick Up Artist seduction techniques, trying hard to give the impression of self-confidence. But a truly Secure guy would just speak his mind to all people, neither avoiding nor giving special attention to someone he’s attracted to, and let people choose whether to like him. A Secure guy is different from the other two in that he's ok with being alone and unloved.

This pattern plays out in all areas of life. Insecure lie around all day; Coping get obsessed with exercise; Secure just listen to their body and move accordingly. Insecure binges on Netflix; Coping overrides this urge by getting hyperfixated on healthier hobbies; Secure doesn’t need rules and regulations to thoughtfully choose a healthy activity to do right now.

The reason I share this idea is to help people skip the Coping stage where possible.

It’s often just a delay tactic that avoids dealing with the core issues, and can actually be a harmful waste of time because you can convince yourself that you’re more confident when actually no real gains are being made.

The question that changed my life forever was, “What would a confident guy do right now?” (i.e. what would a Secure person do?).

This is NOT, “What would a guy trying to appear to be confident do right now?” - a Coping question. Building confidence is about trying to leap-frog over the quick fix Coping phase and go straight to making intelligent long-term decisions.

Coping often appears to be progress, but it will have characteristics that show you’re stepping backwards rather than forwards. Manipulating people into liking you, for example, is not a step towards healthy relationships, even if you seem to have more friends and relationships than you used to. Swapping a drug addiction for a CrossFit addiction is just the same demon wearing a different mask. Working hard and grinding might seem more productive than always procrastinating, but if the value is freedom then you’re no closer than you were before.

Some core characteristics of Secure that will help you differentiate it from Coping:

- it matches your long-term vision of what true confidence looks like

- is sustainable indefinitely without risk of burnout

- reflects a nuanced reaction to your current situation rather than rules or mindless repetition

- feels moderated, carefully thought through, and generally healthy (it does not have a sense of hype, extremism, knee-jerk quick-fix reaction, or trend-following)

- is independent from outcomes and caring what others think of you (you'd do it regardless of the results or reactions from others)

- is motivated internally rather than provoked by something external

- matches what truly confident and integral people do and endorse (and does not match what highly insecure and unhealthy people do)

- strives towards a higher quality of life but based on being here in the moment (not needy ambition for a future date with nothing but empty suffering along the way)

Some comparisons off the top of my head (note: there will always be exceptions to these):

- caring what people think (Insecure); deliberately going against what people approve of (Coping); doing whatever you think is right regardless of potential reactions (Secure)

- eating whatever makes the bad feelings go away (Insecure); eating a strict trendy diet and telling everyone else to do it (Coping); eating whatever seems to be healthiest choice in front of you, most of the time (Secure)

- not sure what you believe in and suffering existential crisis (Insecure); dogmatically following one rigid way of thinking without question and rejecting all others, e.g. a religion (Coping); collecting and following whatever wisdom that you can practically apply to your life, regardless of where it comes from (Secure)

- not being able to move without a signal of approval from someone else (Insecure); doing everything on your own (Coping); being resourceful and working with others or alone depending on what’s best to achieve the goal in this moment (Secure)

- blowing your money in a self-sabotaging way (Insecure); grinding 24/7, never spending money, investing hard and doing everything you can to get rich (Coping); making the most of the resources you have and doing what’s needed to enjoy life as much as you can (Secure)

Remember always: behaviour is king when it comes to confidence. You don’t need to “think” or “feel” Secure, you need to ACT in a Secure way.

Back your core values, resist the urge to seek validation, let go of fantasies about the future, and do what you’d do if you knew you didn’t have long to live and no longer cared about pleasing others or protecting yourself from temporary discomfort.

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