Today is a hard day😢 · ADHD Harmony™

May 11 (edited) • 💬 General

Today is a hard day😢

When I gave up being mean to myself AND reaching for perfection 7wks ago, EVERY thing seemed to change. The shift in my patience, self compassion, self acceptance and self love, was palpable. My joy skyrocketed. I’ve never experienced so many successes in such a short period, sooo fkg CONSISTENTLY.

But… and…

It all seemed to come crashing down in the last 2days.

It started with the fall of EACH ball (of many) I was successfully juggling for weeks on end.

It was easy to have compassion for each dropped (and ultimately they ALL fell) ball until… this past Saturday.

Saturday was:

-My 54th birthday

AND

-My youngest daughters graduation from College

Graduations (over the last several years since my husband & I separated) have Not been the joyous occasion they were supposed to be for me.

And… Without going into the gritty details of my 20yr marriage, my adult ADD & low self esteem and worth had me behaving in ways that were not helpful, kind or considerate in those 20yrs. Bad choices were made. All of which affected everyone, but mostly my husband.

We had a parent/child dynamic that was destructive and EVEN after lots of time alone, lots of healing and tons of shadow work (and 3x more that we tried again to make it work😓 since separating 7yrs ago), I occasionally continue to be reduced to a child in his presence, ESPECIALLY if he’s not putting up his emotional boundaries and not really be behaving like himself.

This past wkd was ‘The Perfect Storm’ of events. The combination of:

-Me having recently dropped ALL the balls I was so successfully juggling for WEEKS😢

-The Emotional event of my baby gurl graduating college

-Me turning 54 (and Historically feeling like a failure and INCREDIBLY BEHIND with reaching my goals as a successful healer and coach).

And…

-Ex-husband behaving like a stranger (impatient , short, quiet, easily frustrated- at yet another graduation😢) bc of his unresolved emotions. Whose energy and behavior just reminds me of what a horrible human I was at times.

To be clear… I Know he wasn’t doing ANYthing to me.

This was MY ‘stuff’ to navigate and/or heal.

But the old die-hard pattern, had me in a chokehold.

The few tears on Saturday felt necessary and appropriate. But TODAY?? smdh

Today I seemed to have quietly resorted to the ‘old tapes’ again.

The ‘old stories’. The embarrassment. The ‘shame’ I promised I’d NEVER pick up again. And then the sobbing in the bathtub with profound feelings of guilt & failure. 😞

To be clear. I am Not looking for pity or even advice necessarily. But witnessing by folks who are likely to fully comprehend my pain.

I thot I had fully understood, accepted and given my Adult ADD self Grace for the last 20+ yrs that I’ve known and actively used tools to help with my ADD. But, finding THIS platform…??

ADHD Harmony AI, has shed NEW Lighting and offered New Tools to assist me with the ways in which my Brain is wired. And also the ways in which I see myself. As capable and gifted as opposed to disabled and broken.

And… a community who sees me w/out judgement AND has my back.

So… once again I thank

@Jim Ebbelaar

for his creation AND for offering us the BLUEPRINT.

I feel better having written that all out, and now feel ready to take a look at the parts of the BLUEPRINT that will remind me of which tools to use to get me moving again.

THANK you for witnessing♥️

2 comments

Today is a hard day😢