Finally, I understand where my struggles are rooted.

Hi tribe ❤️

The 5-day challenge and conversations with Sage have given me so much clarity — and more hope than I’ve felt in a very long time. Thank you so much

@Jim Ebbelaar

🙏

For years I’ve struggled with stress, severe burnout, and nervous system overload, which will probably end in disability pension or a flex job. (I honestly don’t even know whether to write “unfortunately” or “hopefully,” because peace of mind is probably my greatest need right now — and I’ve been stuck in uncertainty about my work life for years. That in itself is deeply stressful.)

No matter how much I rest, it rarely feels like enough to calm the constant feeling in my nervous system that a saber-toothed tiger is right behind me — ready to leap out with demands I can no longer handle.

My tolerance for stress and pressure has been steadily declining for years and now feels close to zero.

For a long time I thought it was caused by my work as a social worker. But even when I earned a bachelor’s degree in History a few years ago — because I thought I “just” needed a new direction — the pattern continued.

And now, after a year and a half on sick leave and being exempt from the demands of the job market, I’ve somehow managed to continue the same downward spiral in my private life as well.

I now see it is because the pattern is rooted in defense mechanisms and masks that have become part of my identity — and that it is the root of almost all my struggles. The burnout, the weight issues, the lack of self-love, the difficulty creating and maintaining a healthy lifestyle …

The pattern is built on beliefs like: I am only worthy if I give EVERYTHING to others. And I’m not allowed to feel happy until everyone I love is happy. (And preferably also everyone I simply like. And people I don’t even know. And all the animals too.)

From that place, self-love and self-care don’t just feel selfish — they feel like a real threat to my entire existence.

Because this was a survival strategy created very early in life to protect me from being abandoned or unloved.

I’ve always had enormous empathy for all living beings, and because of that it became natural to hide all my “flaws” (read: my ADHD) behind roles like people pleaser and caregiver.

But over time those strategies and masks became an identity that almost erased all traces of who I really am. Or at least ALSO am.

It has cost me my wellbeing, my health, my creativity, my genius — and all my money.😬

I need to begin the work on the identity level now, because I’ve realized that this is where my imbalances are rooted. This is what makes it so difficult for me to start with concrete actions and tools.

Because my nervous system and identity ALWAYS override my willpower and keep me stuck where I am.

I’m so deeply excited to begin on Monday ❤️

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you made it through this very long text. I am a woman of many words.

And it’s also completely okay if you happened to have something better to do 😉

Love,

Vivian

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