I want to talk about maybe the most destructive, legalised and normalised drug on the planet, ALCOHOL! There's a photo of me somewhere with my Grandad. He is helping me pour a tiny glass of beer out a small keg. My father is the one taking the photograph and everyone seems so happy and proud of me and my first beer. I am 4 years old. My Dad always liked a drink and I remember him coming home and making himself a dry Martini to “help him unwind after a long day at work.” Occasionally he'd have a glass of wine or two as well with dinner. As I only saw him once or twice a week for dinner as he usually arrived after I had gone to bed, God knows how much he really drank. I never remember seeing him drunk until his 50th birthday when his uni mates came round and they all got wasted. I was 21 at the time and had a superhuman resitance to alcohol thanks to my own university experience which had trained me well. As a result I was a fairly sober bystander to the carnage that ensued that night. I remember him enjoying a pint or 2 (max when he was driving) at the pub with lunch and he enjoyed a good single malt whiskey. Whiskey had been what put him in hospital with a split knee requiring over 50 stiches. He was 20 years old and had ridden his Lambretta from Cambridge to Loughborough to see his Dad. They drank a bottle of whiskey and probably some beers beforehand. After a rather shit night's sleep he rode back to uni. While merging onto the dual carriageway, he fell asleep on his bike, slamming into a truck nearly killing himself. By all accounts I am pretty lucky to even exist!! My Grandad always enjoyed a drink as well even when he was at death's door (91 years old) and couldn't eat as his swallowing mechanism was failing him. He managed to get to my cousin's wedding for a few hours and had a feeding tube and a nurse with him. Instead of drying up the spittle in his mouth with the absorbant swabs he dipped them in his favourite single malt and pushed that around his mouth instead. I am guessing the love of booze didn't start with him and goes way back in our family line.

Today, I wanted to share a recent incident which helped me release a whole world of stuck energy. Something I wasn't even aware that was there until I spewed it all out in one of the most satisfying moments of 2026 (so far). As you may or may not know I am currently dealing with a failed relationship with 2 boys in the middle. We are currently still living under the same roof, however we have not shared a bed for more than 3 years (maybe it's 4 now.) Recently we decided to take charge of the kids for one week at a time. Last Sunday (9 days ago) was Marga's last day and even so, I asked the boys if they wanted to go and watch the senior's rugby match as I didn't think A, she was aware of it and B that she'd really want to go. She piped up on Sunday that she wanted to take them and that by promising them a day out with breakfast I was somehow ruining her plans. “It's my week with the kids so I will take them, I'm in charge.” She said the 4 of us could go but after her little telling off I didn't feel like being anywhere near her so I thanked her and went to play golf. Afterwards, I met up with the young lady I am interested in, so it really was a win win! Fast forward to this Sunday. She had been away all week and wasn't witness to a rather heated debate between the boys and 2 of their friends over a game of Minecraft. Long story short, my eldest set up a server for the 4 of them to play. He lent the password to one guy so he could open the server while they were out at the beach. He then gave it to the other guy who went into creator mode to get a “load of loot” without actually earning it. Basically he cheated. When the boys saw this they were angry and were dealing with it through Discord. In his anger my youngest went into the cheater's base and TNTed all of his stuff. This really kicked off the argument and they were going back in foth for nearly an hour. It was getting quite late and they were all being told to close down for the night and decided to hold court the following day to resolve the issue.

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Lately as some of you have heard me on the calls I've been having some difficulties getting embodied and witnessing. I'd say these emotions were tricking me, I was attaching! Confused, scared, no confidence. Inner dialogue was confused, doubtful, and I was attaching to all of it. I had a realization during todays session, got deep down into what I think was a pivotal moment for me. I saw an embarrassed Nick, 5th grade, doing a pretend job interview as part of a class assignment. There were kids parents on campus holding interviews and I chose a construction worker career path because I thought that was the easy way out, no education needed, not much thought or homework required... I thought I would skate through it, and of course I didn't. I didn't even get the job, I failed the assignment! All these emotions set in, and I felt defeated for a long time after that, "I'm not smart enough for college. Oh that requires a degree? I'll pass. I'm too lazy. I should've repeated grade school, my parents are always so frustrated when I ask for help. I shouldn't need this much help." I had dropped the dreams, the intuition, and I watched from the outside. Look at everyone around me so driven, continued education with degrees, I'll just work an easy job that I can tolerate and let my free time be my life, "work to live not live to work". I have settled for far too long! Here's a quote from Pink Floyd, I use to be on the side of the coin that felt that too much time had passed, and that I was too late. Never in my life did I think I would be where I am today. I settled, gave up on too much and tried to absolutely burry that feeling of being too stupid or lazy, distracted or incapable. But I'm feeling reborn at 34, and in control. Time " You are young and life is long, and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun".

I'm loaded up to the brim with things I have to do. The list is long. But right now I need to focus on making dinner for my children. There's no time for me to separate myself from the family so I can meditate quietly. I'm reminding myself that I can be embodied anytime I want. I don't need to be alone and separate from all responsibilities to get that done. Focusing on my body and breath while cleaning the kitchen and preparing dinner. No podcast. No audiobook. No ruminating. Just keep coming back to the breath and the body. And then repeat over and over and over. This is something I'm working on this year. As a busy dad, this is often the only chance I'll get all day. But I tell you what, it works better than you expect.