I'm struggling with the part of me that needs approval. This part tells me I'm not growing when I don't keep my value systems in place. If I'm honest I'm struggling to define I'm value systems outside of work and inside of work. I feel like this change has took a lot from me and this part questions whether is all worth it. I recognise that the boy is just taking over because that's all he has learned and why would he trust me to lead in those scenarios. When I spoke to him I showed him how far we have come but he still doesn't trust me yet there are part of me that doesn't want to give up on my relationship but doesn't want to return until I'm ready. I'm trying to stay grounded through thick and thin because I know that's where the growth is but this journey is fucking hard sometimes. I'd like the Men in the group to help keep me accountable to my routine. I have everything I need to stay grounded all the time. I just need to do it. I would appreciate a few check-ins is anyone is available just to make sure even when I'm tired, or hurt or lonely now that I choose my direction first nothing else.

So I am in a situation and not sure what to do. My son's birthday is next week and we plan on celebrating it with family and friends. My family is always a hit or miss at showing up and right now financially and emotionally (in terms of stress in planning a birthday) it might be easier if they didn't come and we went to my moms house to celebrate over there seperately with them, but I already invited them. To make matters worse I called one of my nieces to ask if they were coming and pretty much told her (in a joking/serious manner) that I was trying to get them to opt out of coming so that it wouldnt be as expensive and she proceeded to tell my other family since they are currently cutting my nephew a cake for his birthday today (to be clear my nephews and nieces are adults). I felt so stupid and embarassed and now I am not sure what to do, if I should talk to them and explain and almost recind the invitation and deal with whatever feelings they may have after or show face and tell them to come anyway. Either way not feeling great

Lately I have been feeling self-conscious. I went away on vacation during my sons Spring Break. I gained about 15 pounds since last summer and I am trying to get back into the groove of things on my fitness. All this to say I weighed myself Sunday and I was 4 pounds heavier (seemed to be water weight as I am back down now). This has led me to feel very low about myself and on top of that I have been getting more agitated with my wife. To make matters even worse I finally went to do my taxes and told my wife we might owe money, but I wasnt sure how much. I shared this while she is in the middle of planning my sons birthday party next week. Long story short I have been feeling pretty alone in my marriage. I told my wife yesterday afternoon (prior to the call) that I felt like I had to carry the weight by myself and as if we were not a team and I really felt like I had nothing left in my tank to give. She stopped and said she never wanted me to feel like we werent on the same team and she took initiative and held space for me. I didn't feel like I deserved it because a part of me that tells me I am irresponsible kept coming up, but her being there and holding space for me really brought me back into the moment and helped me re-center myself. I cried because she let me know it was ok to feel what I was feeling. She was not judging me she just wanted me to let her into that space and when I did I felt so much relief.

The moment I decided to use was this morning eating breakfast. I had more than usual time not to rush eating and my mom was watching kids. My niece was at the table eating while a few others were in the bedroom. Just watching and being present made me realize my niece won’t be this young forever. My mom won’t run a daycare out of the house much longer and all the kids I’d watched grow up won’t be here much longer before going to school. It made me realize that once I have kids I need to take every moment I have with them and be present unlike my father was every night he came home and sat there watching tv not giving me attention at all.

For me I never realized it, but I feel the boy trying to take over when I feel rejected or unloved. There are days with my wife where I feel rejected, and like I’m not good enough because things are taking longer than I anticipated to heal in our relationship. I actually woke up this morning and felt that. But I know I am good enough, I know I am a great husband, a great father, and I know my wife is doing what she can to heal. Just because the process isn’t easy and is taking longer than I had hoped, that doesn’t mean I’m not good enough, it just shows me my wife and I still have growth that we both need to achieve before we can create the marriage we want.