I feel so much anger and frustration, that I don’t even want to check on my parts… A little context: Together with my wife we went on a business trip + short holiday to The Netherlands. I had two and a half days scheduled for meetings, and it went way better than expected. The supplier I was visiting planned some great things for us (sightseeing, fun activities, fancy dinner etc) and business wise I received much more than I could have asked for (without negotiating). It was such a great feeling, I am looking ahead on great business opportunities and it gave me a good boost. We have been tackling a strange flu for some while, so we have not been feeling in the best shape. But we had two more days just for ourselves. I had lots of ideas and things to do, a part of those I have shared with her. On our the first day she just stayed in the room, while I went for a long walk and bought her some medicine and vitamins, took her to lunch. And I had dinner with a friend (she was supposed to join but skipped it). I wanted to initiate sex for multiple times during our trip but kept being patient and understanding. She had lots of moments where she was filling quite good. And I felt her close, loving and proud of me. One the last day we went for a nice brunch and walked to a local market, eventually ending in her favorite clothes shop… Even when I showed that I am fucking bored and annoyed she went on and on… we stayed there for 3hours! I was tired and pissed… she suddenly had energy and interest in shopping, but otherwise didn’t want to do any activities at all. We got back to the hotel and I went to the gym. When I got back she was in her pijamas and watching a online class for her business. I had expected her to relax and clear her mind, so we could finally be intimate durring that day/night. I did not say that loud, but I was pissed from the fact that she did not even consider my needs or preferences, while I was there for her. After this the repeting pattern of “her getting mad because I am pissed off for whatever reason” kicked in…

Lately I have been feeling self-conscious. I went away on vacation during my sons Spring Break. I gained about 15 pounds since last summer and I am trying to get back into the groove of things on my fitness. All this to say I weighed myself Sunday and I was 4 pounds heavier (seemed to be water weight as I am back down now). This has led me to feel very low about myself and on top of that I have been getting more agitated with my wife. To make matters even worse I finally went to do my taxes and told my wife we might owe money, but I wasnt sure how much. I shared this while she is in the middle of planning my sons birthday party next week. Long story short I have been feeling pretty alone in my marriage. I told my wife yesterday afternoon (prior to the call) that I felt like I had to carry the weight by myself and as if we were not a team and I really felt like I had nothing left in my tank to give. She stopped and said she never wanted me to feel like we werent on the same team and she took initiative and held space for me. I didn't feel like I deserved it because a part of me that tells me I am irresponsible kept coming up, but her being there and holding space for me really brought me back into the moment and helped me re-center myself. I cried because she let me know it was ok to feel what I was feeling. She was not judging me she just wanted me to let her into that space and when I did I felt so much relief.

So I am in a situation and not sure what to do. My son's birthday is next week and we plan on celebrating it with family and friends. My family is always a hit or miss at showing up and right now financially and emotionally (in terms of stress in planning a birthday) it might be easier if they didn't come and we went to my moms house to celebrate over there seperately with them, but I already invited them. To make matters worse I called one of my nieces to ask if they were coming and pretty much told her (in a joking/serious manner) that I was trying to get them to opt out of coming so that it wouldnt be as expensive and she proceeded to tell my other family since they are currently cutting my nephew a cake for his birthday today (to be clear my nephews and nieces are adults). I felt so stupid and embarassed and now I am not sure what to do, if I should talk to them and explain and almost recind the invitation and deal with whatever feelings they may have after or show face and tell them to come anyway. Either way not feeling great

- Unshakeable code  - The Grounded Man Blueprint - Integrity in Action This is something I've struggled with so much. I have put work first basically in every part of my life before personal care, social maintenance, financial stability. This made me recognise that the values I actually had were very flexible considering the grounded man I am trying to become. This holiday weekend I have attempted to reset my financial system (unfortunately I can't set in motion until the next pay-check but step one has been made). I chose social maintance over studying for and I felt grounded in that decision. There have even been moments I experienced with my ex-partner where I recognised value systems. With my ex-parter I allowed a boundary to be crossed, nothing massive just having more to drink than I intended for the sake of her approval when my intention was to return to studying the next day. I'm not regretful or ashamed of that decision though because It gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with her that I have been avoiding for a full year. I owned my part in the issue and validated her feelings. There was more I intended on saying but once the framework was done I realised the rest was just me looking for approval so I stopped. She expressed how much that meant to her and moved onto another topic. Unfortunately my nervous system was not ready for that and I didn't validate her experience at all, I did the exact opposite. So now I have another conversation I intend to revisit but I do not regret my initial response either because it felt like another learning opportunity. I had built this one big conversation up so much that I was not prepared for another one. In the future I intend to continually remain grounded. This time I allowed the boy to take over because I decided the "task was finished", but I recognise now that my reward was getting to have the conversation in the first place, for being so grounded leading up to it and throughout. /// - I'd also like to add that this past week I have avoided so much less and I feel so much better for it