I’ve known this for quite some time, but the part of me that is trying to protect me, trying to make things better is definitely the fixer in me. I’m an engineer, fixing problems and issues is literally what I do. So this part of me has always gotten in the way of making sure my wife feels heard and understood. Unfortunately as soon as something ever got brought up, I immediately went into fixer mode. This program has helped me see that. I was always in a hurry to fix what was wrong, instead of being a solid, grounded container for my wife to release into. I see that clear as day now, and although it hasn’t been easy, I’m getting better at just being steady, truly listening to her, and not trying to fix anything unless she asks. This is incredibly difficult, especially with the issues we are still having. But I feel like God is teaching me patience and how to fully and completely submit to His plan for my life.

For me I never realized it, but I feel the boy trying to take over when I feel rejected or unloved. There are days with my wife where I feel rejected, and like I’m not good enough because things are taking longer than I anticipated to heal in our relationship. I actually woke up this morning and felt that. But I know I am good enough, I know I am a great husband, a great father, and I know my wife is doing what she can to heal. Just because the process isn’t easy and is taking longer than I had hoped, that doesn’t mean I’m not good enough, it just shows me my wife and I still have growth that we both need to achieve before we can create the marriage we want.

After having a call with Harrison, he pointed out to me A lot of stuff I am going through with my wife that she and I haven’t really understood are explained back in the fragmented psychology module. So I went back and relistened to it a couple of times. I definitely see how the fixer part of me used to come out over the past few years anytime we hit conflict or disagreement. This isn’t entirely bad, but with my fixer part, there also needed to be calm, present part of me to first acknowledge what my wife was feeling and really listen to her first without jumping to trying to fix things. Also thinking about her, there are definitely parts of her that still care about me and want to make our marriage work, but there are parts of her, which are very protectant and are trying to not let her possibly get hurt again. It was nice to be able to think in terms of parts, where it isn’t all or nothing with her. I need to be steady and solid, to be able to show her protectant parts she has nothing to fear with me.

Over the last few days I’ve tried to integrate is pausing before answering. My wife is still very touchy in our interactions so making sure I pause before answering anytime we interact has helped quite a bit to stay grounded and not become reactive. Small change, huge difference!

Wanted to share to hold myself accountable. Talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out if our two oldest kids should do aau basketball. Many of the tournaments will likely overlap which would mean we’d have some weekends split up. My wife told me that she didn’t like that idea because she doesn’t like to be away from our kids and she doesn’t trust that I would keep our son safe. Perfect moment for me to be the lighthouse, but hearing that made me immediately think of all the work I’ve done the last 18 months, how I’m a totally different person than I was then. And it cut me pretty deep. I wasn’t able to keep my composure, didn’t raise my voice but said something back to her like “I’m not sure what else I need to do for you to see the new me.” Well, failed that test. Then I log into this, and the next module was Leading her emotions without losing yourself. If only I had logged into one day sooner. In all honesty though, I have overall been very good at keeping my calm, it must have been what she said that got me. The fact that she doesn’t trust me with our own son, just got to me. I wish I had virtual reality to practice these instances, work on being the lighthouse. We don’t argue or fight hardly at all, so when she DOES get upset, so feel like it’s even more important that I then stay calm and cool. Any tips on how to ALWAYS stay that lighthouse?