You’ve probably heard the phrase: “You’re 100% responsible for everything in your life.” And honestly? That never sat right with me. Because how can I be responsible for a hurricane that damages my home? Or for an act of violence someone else chooses? Saying I created or manifested those things feels like victim blaming. And for years, that’s exactly how I heard it. I was trained in Ho’oponopono, where they teach this idea of total responsibility. I’ve seen it pop up in parenting books and spiritual circles too. And it used to make me feel like I must be broken or doing life wrong if something bad happened. But here’s what I’ve come to understand: responsibility isn’t the same as blame. Blame says: “It’s your fault.”Responsibility says: “You get to choose how you respond.” When I look back on my own childhood, growing up with an abusive, alcoholic dad, I had no control over that situation. None. But I do have control over how I live now. I could stay stuck in a victim identity forever, or I could work through it, grow, and choose to write a different story. That’s the real meaning of responsibility: response-ability. When we’re dysregulated, our nervous system spirals us into “Why me?”, the poor-me mindset that keeps us stuck. When we regulate, we can pause, ground, and ask: “What can I do next?” That’s where resilience, growth, and freedom come from. It doesn’t mean you never feel the pain or frustration when something bad happens. It means you don’t let that be the end of the story. Responsibility isn’t about fault. It’s about power. The power to choose your response, even when life gives you something you never asked for.

Have you ever looked at a big project, felt the pressure to finish it all at once and then frozen? That’s exactly where I found myself with decorating my house. My instinct was, “Right, my son’s away this weekend, I’ll just smash through it and get the whole room done.” But the truth is, that kind of pressure always backfires. I end up overwhelmed, stressed, and not doing anything at all. So I'm trying something different, just painting the walls white. Not the colours I really want, not the full “finished” room. Just a base coat. And weirdly, that felt like such a relief. It’s progress. It’s lighter. It’s good enough for now. It made me realise how often we do the same thing in life and in nervous system regulation. We push for “finished.” We think healing should be done on a deadline, or that growth should happen by a certain time. And when it doesn’t, we spiral into frustration or collapse. But there is no deadline for healing. No one is waiting for us to hand in proof of regulation. The pressure is almost always self-imposed. When we let go of the artificial deadlines and focus on phased progress, one coat at a time, one breath at a time, we stay steady. We keep moving without burning out. So now I’m asking myself: Where am I piling on pressure that I don’t actually need? And what would my “base coat” look like in this area of life? Because growth, just like decorating, happens in layers. It’s not forced. It’s paced.