Narcissism · Brojo: Confidence & Integrity

Narcissism

So I've struggled with the implications of narcissism.

My kid claims my wife is a narcissist.
My wife then claims that in fact *I* am the narcissist.
Nice guy syndrome implies/claims that its largely a narcissistic issue
Am I the narcissist? Am I the cause of all the problems?

I've researching this because I want to know. I've watched some videos and podcasts and the more of those I consume, the more I keep hearing and having "oh shit" moments where I am recognizing things that have happened that are narcissistic. Mostly, my wife, but also myself. So who's right here?

Then I came upon this one fellow, David Ades (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFC7KSRiyTY). Now, he has a perspective that is different than anyone else I've seen so far.

And its this. We ALL have narcissistic traits and tendancies, depending on the situation. We ALL go through a phase of "primary narcissism", usually around the ages of 2-6. Anyone who's had kids will immediately recognize this! right? And thats normal. And most people grow out of it as a primary tactic, and adopt other methods. But even a "normal" healthy adult will still have some narcissistic traits.

A person, an adult, who is "*A* narcissist" is a person who didnt grow out of it, and employs mostly or all narcissistic traits and few or none of the other healthy traits.

That leaves those of us with Nice Guy Syndrome, which employs a number of narcissistic methods and traits.. but its not 100%. But its more than is healthy. Right?

NGS has some narcissistic traits. But that doesn't mean an NGS guy "is a narcissist" in the commonly understood definition which is very pejorative. We aren't NPD's (narcissistic personality disorder).

So its a spectrum. Like autism. You can have some unusual issues and some even positive traits as an autistic and be otherwise functional but you can be all the way to one end of the spectrum where you can't function normally. Same with narcissism. A small amount of it which is actually useful, or all the way to the max where you are toxic. Or somewhere in the middle where you might need to work on some of your issues and manage them.

So I have some narcissistic traits that I need to work on, but I am not *a* narcissist. Unfortunately, I am beginning to think that my wife is much farther on the spectrum of narcissism, and I don't know if thats too far over to fix. She fits the description though: abused and treated like shit from as young as she can remember, so she's stuck at that 2-6 year old phase.

David Ades says that narcissists are not evil, just mentally ill. But also, you probably have to get away from them.

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