One of the traps of a modern technology filled life is mistaking attention for connection. Attention can be fairly easy to get but connection requires building and nurturing. Attention can look like texts, likes, compliments, flirtation, or constant validation. It creates the feeling of being noticed and feeling seen (but not necessarily ACTUALLY being seen). This can temporarily ease a sense of loneliness. Connection is different because at its foundation it provides emotional safety, consistency and vulnerability is met with care. If we look at attachment theory, it explains that humans are wired for secure emotional bonds, not just visibility or stimulation and research shows our nervous systems respond more to safety and emotional attunement than to the amount of attention we receive. (this makes sense as to why someone can have endless messages/followers/admirers and still feel a sense of loneliness) ***Attention activates the brain’s reward system. ***Connection helps regulate the nervous system. Research consistently backs the impact that intermittent reinforcement can have on a person--when attention or affection comes unpredictably, people often start chasing the emotional highs instead of genuine intimacy. It can become addicting and part of this is because there are no signals of consistent safety so we chase to soothe the discomfort. We become addicted to pursuing emotional intensity rather than emotional intimacy. This will never satisfy the hunger though, because attention cannot provide what healthy attachment can provide. We can see this in real time--people can be constantly connected online and yet emotionally disconnected in real life and it doesn't help that we kind of live in a culture that rewards visibility as opposed to vulnerability. Even vulnerability has become a visibility status so people can use the 'right words' but not actually connect because the other pieces necessary for connection are not there. ***Being noticed is not the same as being understood and being desired is not the same as being valued.***

I've said this before, but when starting this community and when joining other communities on skool, I never anticipated the actual 'community' piece of it. Didn't expect the very real connections that would be made through a medium that seemed so detached to me. But, here we are, connecting. And it feels real. Because maybe, just maybe, it is real after all? This past week @LaTanya Carter and I had an incredible journey making our way through a few countries (more on that in a different post). It's been a beautiful trip filled with realizations, beautiful scenery and gratitude. I'm so thankful for the ability to do this and so so blessed to do this with her! She's lovely 💗 The highlight on the very last day of our trip has been being able to meet @Serena DAfree in real life!!! 🇺🇲🌎🇬🇧 Her and I met early on and we just 'clicked'. Her heart for people and her ability to look beyond the surface really stood out and I just love her energy. The real life meet up just further highlighted her spirit and her love. (Thank you for a lovely lunch!) Spending time with her was the best part of the last day. It never ceases to amaze me that we live in a time where we can meet strangers (from all over the world) online and become friends and meet them in real life. Wild times... How have your online connecting experiences been for you? I personally know it doesn't always turn out positive but obviously I'm hoping for more good than bad!

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧- a cognitive distortion where we automatically assume other people’s behavior is about us. Good times. Someone seems distant? We assume we did something wrong. Someone gives criticism? We interpret it as a statement about our worth. But in reality, what people do is impacted by stress, past experiences, mood, insecurities, cognitive biases, nervous system regulation, and so so many variables we know nothing about. Not taking things personally is less about “not feeling anything” or "not caring" and more about catching the mental reaction that turns other people’s behavior into a reflection of our worth. Here are some steps that we can take to work towards this decreasing personalization so we can engage with reality for what it is 😊 1. 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (what story are we telling ourselves) The trigger is usually fast (someone's short with us, someone leaves us out, someone says something unkind). Our mind, which tries to analyze and problem solve goes into meaning making “They don’t like me,” “I did something wrong,” “I’m not enough.” So first, notice if there is a story. 2. 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 Split what actually happened from what you made it mean: Fact: “They replied with one word.” Story: “They’re annoyed with me. I’m bothering them. They don't like me.” (this in turn is often related to a fear we have, often around loss--rejection, abandonment, disconnection) Most emotional pain lives in the story, not the fact. 3. 𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (personalization in this case) Labeling creates distance. Instead of becoming enmeshed, we become more observant and when we are observant we have a balcony view. 4. If we're going to be creative, let's add some more creativity...maybe. C𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 2–3 𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 . This is about forcing our brain out of the tunnel and not about trying to pick the “best” explanatio. (We're just breaking the illusion that there’s only one explanation). 5. 𝐑𝐞-𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡

Affirmations are intentional statements we use to help shape our focus, identity, and internal dialogue. They're about reinforcing the mindset we actually want to live from. The most effective affirmations are believable enough to accept, repeated consistently (and internalized over time), emotionally /value connected AND backed by action. :) These were some of the ones I've been leaning on this week: -"I owe it to myself to see how capable I truly am and to live and expand upon my potential" -"I keep promises to myself" -"I will not sleepwalk through a life others would fight for" -"I reject comfort that weakens me and I accept discomfort that strengthens me" -"I don't wait to lose things to appreciate them". Would love to hear some of yours! :) Do you use affirmations or reminders?

Saw this at a place I was visiting today and thought I'd pass it on !! When trying something new, it's probably going to feel uncomfortable! Those are new neural connections being created so there is an actual physical discomfort that's happening. That's normal! Let's embrace the process :-) get aligned and then embrace the discomfort that comes along with the change!