We like to think communication is pretty straightforward: I think something → I say it → you hear it → you understand it. Boom! What more is there? But when we really break it down, there are a LOT of places where things can get lost along the way. First, there's what we're actually thinking or feeling. Sometimes we may not even have a clear understanding of that ourselves. Then there's what we 𝗜𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗡𝗗 to communicate. We might know what we mean in our heads, but translating that into actual words can be a whole different thing. Then there's what actually comes out of our mouths.😖 Sometimes what comes out isn't exactly what was in our heads. 😂 Maybe we didn't find the right words. Maybe we left something out. Maybe our tones communicated something we didn't intend. Then there's what the other person hears: And 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗻𝗲𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁. What someone hears is going to be filtered through their own experiences, assumptions, emotions, expectations, etc. Then there's what they think they heard, followed by what they think it means. So we can end up with something like: 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘀𝗮𝘆 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗜 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻. That's a LOT of opportunities for the original message to get a little altered, lost in translation, misaligned from its original intent. A lot of opportunities for potential conflict or opportunity to clarify and gain better understanding. And that's not even accounting for things like tone, facial expressions, timing, texting vs. talking in person, someone's mood that day, types of communication (e.g. literal, abstract) or whatever else is happening in the background. So...this makes me think that sometimes when we're arguing, we're likely not even actually arguing about what the other person said! We're arguing about what WE THINK they said. So... the following statements become even more valuable as a result: Sender: “That's not what I meant. Let me try saying that differently.”

Here's a funsies question: When you say yes, are you ACTUALLY saying yes, or are you managing someone else's feelings? The Wheel of Consent explores four basic experiences: giving, receiving, taking, and allowing. The Healthy side says things like: “I want to give this.” “I want to receive this.” “I’m choosing to take this.” “I’m comfortable allowing this.” "I can ask for what I want/need" "I can say no without needing to justify it" We can give freely without needing something in return, we can receive without guilt, we can ask for what we want and genuinely accept “no", and we can also allow others to do something for us because we want to receive it, not because we feel obligated. The Shadow side says: (Clarification--shadow side doesn't mean bad. It's often a protective part that at some point learned "This is how I stay safe, connected, wanted, in control, etc". Good intentions, rough consequences, you know?) “I'll give so you won't be disappointed.” "I'll give so you'll like me" “I'll receive because I don't want to offend you.” "I'll receive, but now I owe you" “I'll take because I feel entitled to it.” "I'll take because I assume you should provide" “I'll allow it because it's easier than saying no.” "I'll allow it because your disappointment or other emotion feels scarier than my discomfort". Giving can become people-pleasing, receiving can feel selfish, taking can become entitlement, and allowing can become passivity or resentment. Sometimes we say “yes” when our body, values, or boundaries are actually saying “no.” This is self betrayal, self erasure and over time we lose trust with ourselves as a result. The Wheel of Consent can help us notice the places where our healthy choices get hijacked by old patterns. It helps us become more aware of why we're saying yes, what we're actually consenting to, and whose needs we're trying to meet. :) Some questions to ask oneself when dealing with a decision: -What am I afraid would happen if I said no or spoke up?

🌍 Are You Ready to Help Create a More Trauma-Informed World? Thank you @Georgiana D for helping us celebrate our special day! Today is The Skool Trauma Hub’s 1st Birthday 🎉💚 and there couldn’t be a better time to join our growing global family. At The Skool Trauma Hub, we believe the missing piece in trauma recovery is safe community. Trauma is at the heart of everything we do, but creating a more trauma-informed world means looking at the bigger picture. 💜 A safe, supportive community for personal trauma healing 💛 Trauma-informed parenting support for parents and carers raising trauma-impacted children 💙 Support for those supporting others - therapists, counsellors, coaches and other trauma professionals Because trauma doesn’t exist in isolation, and neither should healing. We heal when we come together. 🎂 And because it’s our birthday, for TODAY ONLY we’ve slashed our membership prices, making this a wonderful time to come and see what we’re building. Plus you get a 7 day free trial! Whether you’re healing from trauma, supporting a trauma-impacted child, supporting others professionally - or you wear more than one of those hats - there’s a place for you here. 🌍 Come and join our mission. 💚 Come and join our family. Together, we can help create a more trauma-informed world. Sending love and healing to you all, Chris 💚 The Skool Trauma Hub

One of the ideas in The Comfort Crisis (book) that really stuck with me is the distinction between biological hunger and reward-driven eating. It's not like I wasn't aware, it's just that it pointed to something that I often do...snack. Snack because something sounds good, snack because I'm having a hard time deciding what to do, snack because I'm stressed, snack because it's available, snack because I'm accustumed to snacking... snack. snack. snack. And my snacks? They're full on meals..ha. But how often do I actually neeeeeed to snack? Probably almost never because my body is barely ever actually hungry...And this? This isn't a good thing. Here's the difference: 𝗕𝗶𝗼𝗹𝗼𝗴𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗵𝘂𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 This is our body saying: "I NEED energy.” It tends to build gradually and isn't necessarily picky. We're more likely to notice physical cues like an empty feeling in your stomach, low energy, or difficulty concentrating. If we're genuinely hungry, a fairly ordinary meal can sound pretty good. No fancy flavors or textures needed. 𝗥𝗲𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱-𝗱𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 This is more like: “I WANT that”. We might be completely physically satisfied but suddenly have an intense desire for cookies, chips, donuts, ice cream, or whatever our particular weakness happens to be. It can be triggered by: stress, boredom, habit, seeing or smelling food, emotions, fatigue, social situations, or simply knowing that something is available. Oh....availability...My nemesis. Unlike people in the past, modern life gives us almost unlimited access to food rewards. Availability. So, we end up responding to food cues/rewards instead of actual energy needs. And this has a negative impact on us. It gives us a dopamine boost, but it wreaks havoc on our bodies. So, what can we do about it? First, be aware!! Awareness allows for us to be intentional with our decision making: 𝗣𝗔𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘂𝗿𝗴𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻. Ask “What kind of hungry am I?” pause... When the desire to eat comes, ask: 1. Would I eat something relatively ordinary right now?

There's a concept called a 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐠i which is a personal challenge so meaningful and difficult that there is a real possibility of failure (like 50% likelihood of failure even if you do everything 'right'). The goal of this isn't necessarily achievement, but the transformation that happens along the way. While the challenge itself may be physical in nature, the real test ends up being mental, emotional and spiritual. It basically has two rules: 1. 1.Make the task extremely challenging (with a 50/50 chance of failure/success) 2. 2. Do not die We live in a society where 'rites of passage' have been pushed aside. Helicopter parenting and now snowplow parenting have taken a front seat and both of these have had an interesting impact on our ability to handle tough situations. Tough situations that arise as part of living in a world where things aren't perfect. This is not to shame individuals that engage in these type of behaviors. These behaviors often come from a place of good intentions but also, often, from a place of fear. It seems that research (and seeing others' lived experience) shows that the 'right amount of challenge' is really needed for optimal growth. For us to feel capable, equipped, a sense of (healthy) pride and adequacy. A sense of "I can do it (or at least try), even if it's challenging...even if I will fail". From a psychological perspective, a Misogi works because it challenges some of our most common patterns: 1. 1. 𝐀𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞: We naturally try to avoid discomfort, uncertainty, and situations where we might feel inadequate. The problem is that avoiding discomfort can also mean avoiding growth. A Misogi asks: "What would I attempt if I wasn't organizing my life around avoiding failure?" 1. 2.𝐈𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲: Many of us protect the identity we have created: "I'm not athletic," "I'm not creative," "I'm not a leader," "I'm not someone who does hard things." A meaningful challenge gives us the opportunity to rewrite the narrative that we've clung to.