"if you really loved me...." ,Don't leave me or I'll" ,"After all I've done for you..." "How can you be so selfish?" "You're the only one that can help me" "I wouldn't be like this if you'd just..." In Susan Forward's book "𝐄𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥: 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫, 𝐎𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮", one of the things that she covers are the faces of blackmail. The statements above are just a way of putting a demand on the table--but they're all different. Below are the four varieties of blackmailing. I'll do a quick overview here, but may go in depth on each one (maybe) in future posts. I would like to say that if you know me, you know that I am not someone to just bash people or demonize them. The descriptions below are based on the book's content. The descriptions are accurate but they don't take into account the factors that contribute to individuals acting in this way. The factors (reasoning/understanding) are helpful to know, but they don't excuse behaviors. There is still responsibility there. Understanding helps build empathy, but understanding does not mean enabling either. 𝗣𝗨𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗦 These individuals let us know exactly what they want and the consequences we'll face if we don't give it to them. They may express themselves aggressively or they may engage in the silent treatment, but in either case, the anger that they feel is always directed at us/someone else. "If you don't take care of the family business, I'll cut you out of the will"; "If you try to divorce me, you'll never see your kids again", "If you won't accept the overtime, you're not a team player and you can forget about a promotion" Silent treatment can be part of this--a deflection of responsibility for one's feelings onto someone else. 𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙-𝗣𝗨𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗦 These individuals turn the threats inward, emphasizing what they'll do to themselves if they don't get their way. "If you leave me, I'll kill myself" "I won't be able to make it without you" "Don't argue with me or I'll get depressed or sick" "I can't sleep/work/function when you're not here" "Fine, I'll leave, and I'll end up in the streets" (relapse, etc)

What's something that's true that you wish wasn't? or What's something that's not true that you wish was true?

"𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝗳 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻𝘀?" "What if they leave?" "What if this ruins everything?" "What if I fail?". What if, what if, what if.... Ever notice how if we engage in "what if" type thinking, it's often towards the negative? Our brains (unless we've trained them well) have the tendency to default to looking out for the negative/looking out for problems. It's wired for safety and so the "what if" is a question that can feel productive, but if we end up stopping there, is often very not productive. We get stuck in the loop and it leaves us anxious. We don't always go to the solution part of that...It's not only not always productive but it ends up stealing joy from the current moment. Here’s the problem:“What if” pulls you into imagined futures where you have zero control and infinite variables. It creates emotional consequences for events that haven’t happened and that may never happen. It also doesn't take into account that future self--the self that has more information, the self that may be well equipped to handle whatever comes. "𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒔 𝒅𝒖𝒆" and " 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒂𝒅𝒗𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒏 𝒂 𝒅𝒆𝒃𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒆"are two quotes that come to mind when it comes to this....but okay, instead of saying "just stop with the What ifs"...let's redirect this energy and use some strategies! :) 𝕋𝕣𝕪 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤: 1. Turn “What if?” into “What’s likely?”Anxious brains deal in possibility. Grounded brains deal in probability. Most catastrophic outcomes are low likelihood but high emotional intensity. 2. Follow it with a plan.If the feared outcome did happen, what would you actually do? 3. Ask a better question.Instead of “What if this goes wrong?”Try: “What if this goes well?”Or even better: “What would the strongest version of me do next?” This is related to the point above about planning for it! Planning is different than worrying. But, remember, you can't plan for absolutely every single outcome...(think about the mental energy/time spent thinking/planning vs. what it would take to deal with the situation when it arises)

“All that is gold does not glitter. Not All Who Wander Are Lost” This quote (from Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings) reminds us that exploring, questioning, or taking a non-traditional path doesn’t mean being directionless. There is a lot to learn and a lot to gain from wandering. There is also a lot to learn from paths that don't always look the prettiest. - Wandering can mean growth, discovery, and seeking deeper meaning. - It’s about trusting the journey/process-even if it looks different from what others expect or what you may expect - Sometimes the best paths are the ones we find along the way, not the ones mapped out for us ---Below is also a mind mapping worksheet that can help with exploring thoughts and visually organizing thoughts around a topic.Wandering towards clarity :) QUESTION: What “wandering” moments in your life have actually led you closer to purpose?

I was working towards a training and this term came up "The Principle of Specificity". It's a take on "Specific Adaptation to Imposed Demands" (SAID Principle). It's a principle that comes from exercise science, buuuuut it applies far beyond the gym, so I thought that I'd bring it to our life gym here! :) The bottom line is this: Your body and brain adapt specifically to the demands that you consistently place on them. :) Intentions in this case don't really matter. We don't rise to our intentions, but rather we adapt to our repetitions. How we think matters, what we do matters. If you train heavy, you get stronger. If you practice calm breathing under stress, you get calmer under stress. If you rehearse negative self-talk, you get better at negative self talk. It's a neutral principle-it's not about judgment, but rather about adaptation. Neurons that fire together, wire together. :) 🌿 Psychological Benefits When applied intentionally, specificity becomes powerful. It can increase self-efficacy- training specific skills and gaining real evidence that you can handle situations increases confidence and ability. It can reduce anxiety because the more we do something the more the brain interprets that somethingis safe enough to do and it recalibrates. It improves cognitive efficiency. By getting better at what we practice and reducing decision fatigue, our brain starts conserving energy. It can shape our identify. If we repeatedly act aligned with a trait that's important to us, our self concept shifts to match those behaviors. *General effort produces general adaptation.Specific effort produces specific transformation.*--We just get to be intentional. POLL: Where are you currently applying specificity most intentionally? QUESTION: What is one area where your current results reflect the demands you’ve been repeatedly placing on yourself? ACTION: Pick one micro-demand you want to adapt to. Make it small. Make it specific.Repeat it daily for 7 days. Example:2 minutes of deliberate breathwork under mild stress, One direct sentence instead of passive communication, 10 minutes of focused skill practice