Emotional Blackmail · Inspired Life, Empowered Being

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Emotional Blackmail

"if you really loved me...." ,Don't leave me or I'll" ,"After all I've done for you..." "How can you be so selfish?" "You're the only one that can help me" "I wouldn't be like this if you'd just..."

In Susan Forward's book "𝐄𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥: 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐔𝐬𝐞 𝐅𝐞𝐚𝐫, 𝐎𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮", one of the things that she covers are the faces of blackmail. The statements above are just a way of putting a demand on the table--but they're all different. Below are the four varieties of blackmailing. I'll do a quick overview here, but may go in depth on each one (maybe) in future posts.

I would like to say that if you know me, you know that I am not someone to just bash people or demonize them. The descriptions below are based on the book's content. The descriptions are accurate but they don't take into account the factors that contribute to individuals acting in this way. The factors (reasoning/understanding) are helpful to know, but they don't excuse behaviors. There is still responsibility there. Understanding helps build empathy, but understanding does not mean enabling either.

𝗣𝗨𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗦

These individuals let us know exactly what they want and the consequences we'll face if we don't give it to them. They may express themselves aggressively or they may engage in the silent treatment, but in either case, the anger that they feel is always directed at us/someone else.

"If you don't take care of the family business, I'll cut you out of the will"; "If you try to divorce me, you'll never see your kids again", "If you won't accept the overtime, you're not a team player and you can forget about a promotion"

Silent treatment can be part of this--a deflection of responsibility for one's feelings onto someone else.

𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙-𝗣𝗨𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗦

These individuals turn the threats inward, emphasizing what they'll do to themselves if they don't get their way.

"If you leave me, I'll kill myself" "I won't be able to make it without you" "Don't argue with me or I'll get depressed or sick" "I can't sleep/work/function when you're not here" "Fine, I'll leave, and I'll end up in the streets" (relapse, etc)

𝗦𝗨𝗙𝗙𝗘𝗥𝗘𝗥𝗦

These individuals blame others and peddle guilt and often 'make' us figure out what they want and conclude that it's up to us to ensure that they get what they want. The underlying message is "if you don't do what I want, I will suffer, and it will be your fault". The silent treatment can be part of this as well and can contribute to others trying to 'figure out' what they did wrong in order to fix it. Some individuals do verbalize and share exactly what they thing -telling us how the cards are stacked against hem and how the fates have conspired to keep them down. "if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all".

𝗧𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗭𝗘𝗥𝗦

These individuals often put people throuhg a series of tests and hold out a promise of something wonderful if we'll just give them their way.They may encourage us and promise love or money or career advancement and then make it clear that if we don't behave in the way that they want us to, we don't get the prize. "I will help you if..." "I will ease the way for your career if..." (these are different than boundaries)

Friendly reminder though...most people that engage in emotional blackmail are NOT monsters. They're actually rarely driven by malice, but rather they have their own struggles/demons that they're impacted by.

POLL: When You Encounter Emotional Blackmail, What’s Your Default Reaction? (what's your first instinct)

QUESTION: When someone uses fear, obligation, or guilt to influence you…

What does it hook into (Fear of abandonment, Fear of being seen as selfish, A savior identity, Guilt tied to loyalty or family roles, Discomfort with other people’s distress)

VIDEO: Stages of Emotional Blackmail :)

I comply quickly to reduce tension

I over-explain and try to 'prove' I'm not selfish

I shut down emotionally and withdraw

I get defensive or angry

I try to rescue or fix them

I calmly hold the boundary, even if it upsets them.

10 votes

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