The time that I looked back at was when I had asked my ex if we didn’t go back to trying poly if it would mean she would want to end things. When she said yes I completely lost it and broke down for 10 minutes on the ground. The truth of this was that the part in me of always being alone and left out as a child that would do anything to please people to fit in didn’t want to go back to feeling alone again without her in my life. I had become so connected to her that I didn’t have a life outside of her. Now knowing this I’ve learned that I can stand on my own and create a life that doesn’t require a partner to still be me.

This weekend I had my sister's birthday and my partner didn't want to go because there is some bad history between them and honestly I'm not on the best terms with my sister either but I was going because I wanted to move on from the issues with her that I had been holding on to. Last minute my partner offered to come with me but a part of me really did not want to put in that position. Another part of me wanted the support and knew that together we could be each others support in a situation neither of us want to be in. I became really indecisive for a while before finally asking my partner to come. She compromised and suggested she come to the first part and then not stay out which I saw as a good middle ground. When I revisited this moment I realised that my parts were not just protecting me but trying to protect my partner as well. When my partner asked me to forget about the parts (Not what she said but essentially), the decision was clear that I wanted her to be there as well, but I felt selfish for asking, due to the history. She reassured me that she wouldn't have offered if she didn't think we could handle it and hence the compromise. Afterwards, I just felt guilt for not realising that when she asked and something I want to implement next time is to "repeat back". So I can fully understand that is being asked and then I can go from there. I'll say it again this journey is tough but worth it.

Today I felt myself getting more and more anxious as the day went on. I was going through the motions of getting through the day while taking care of my 2 youngest children. After I laid them down for their naps I felt this rush of worry hit me and I sat down and just cried. I closed my eyes did some breath work and envisioned myself adult self standing behind my young boy self and asked what are you trying to protect me from. After I talked with this part of me I felt a sense of relief and was able to allow my adult self to handle the situation and let my younger self not feel like it needed to protect me in this moment.

How my reaction changed to taking a moment, slowing down and thinking before reacting was in a conversation with someone that was a friend. Needed to get something back from him and he didn’t want to meet and see me in person after a comment I made that he took with a different meaning then what I meant it as. He didn’t want to explain his said of how he took it when I asked so I could understand. Now I understand that he has the right to take it that way. After he refused to meeting up and giving me back the item I slowed down the thought in my head and replied back with a thought through message asking him to get the item to a mutual friend to get to me. Then politely wished him nothing but the best in live with true meaning inside myself rather than before it would have been out of frustration and a sarcastic sentence since he decided the friendship was over.

This is a real struggle for me, I've been working on it a lot. Since setting a boundary with some more parts I am really focusing to practice slowing down my interactions with my partner. Over the weekend I want to challenge myself to stick to this, to really pause and slow down the movement and speech with my partner, not in any heated topics or anything like that just practice being steady. Intentional cold showers have helped, my nervous system is slowly watching be intentional with every breath in that scenario, but I want to go further this weekend. What I need from you guys... It would help if someone could check in with me on Friday as a reminder to do it and then possibly again on Saturday to see if I have lived up to it.