“For the most part, we are too busy doing just about everything, that means just about nothing, to just about nobody, just about anywhere…and will mean even less to anyone a hundred years from now!” ― Matthew Kelly, The Rhythm of Life: Living Everyday with Passion and Purpose (Shoutout to @Joshua Haag and @Dayna Kanouna for mentioning this book in our 'favorite books' post previoulsy) This quote hits because it exposes an uncomfortable truth.We stay busy doing things that feel urgent, productive, and necessary. But when we view it from the balcony, a lot of that busyness does not actually matter. Not deeply at least, right? Not long-term and not to the people we think it does. Busyness often becomes a distraction from asking harder questions.. (guilty)...Am I doing this because it’s meaningful, or because it fills the space? Am I spending time with these individuals because this is a good connection or because it makes me feel less alone for a short time (but maybe even more lonely and bankrupt long term)? Am I moving with intention, or just moving? Being busy can feel safer than being purposeful because purpose requires choice and choice requires clarity. Aaaand clarity asks us to let some things go. Also, sometimes it's hard to have the clarity and then we feel restless and we fill in the discomfort with staying busy...full circle. Poll: Most of your busyness right now is driven by: QUESTION to ponder: What’s one thing you stay busy with that you secretly know doesn’t matter as much as it claims to? ACTION: This week, take some time and write down how you fill your time. Identify what 'truly' matters and maybe pick one thing that doens't matter in the same way and start letting go of it. (this first week may be a tough one because a lot of people are engaging in more intentional usage of their time).c

Our brains are not neutral...ever wonder why one negative comment can derail your whole day while getting positive feedback barely does anything? Why it can be difficult to try new things? Why losing $20 feels worse than winning $20? Why breaking a stream feels more painful than maintaining it feels joyful? This is the brain running on 2 psychological pathways that happen automatically: The negativity bias and loss aversion. Negativity bias means your brain gives negative stimuli preferential treatment. The amygdala fires more rapidly and intensely when it detects anything potentially threatening or painful. Positive events register, but they simply do not activate the same level of neural intensity. So negative experiences feel more intense. Then, loss aversion doubles down. From a cognitive standpoint, losses are viewed as more significant than gains. The psychological “cost” of losing tends to outweigh the psychological “benefit” of gaining, even when the events are equal in size. Your brain would rather avoid the pain of losing than pursue the pleasure of winning. This means negative experiences have more gravitational pull in your mind. Let's translate this to relationships. The Gottman's (gurus on relationships who have tons of research on this) give us the example: In close relationships, you need roughly five positive interactions for every one negative to maintain stability. This ratio is not arbitrary. It counterbalances the heavier cognitive and emotional weight that negative interactions carry. A single critical comment activates both biases, so the positives must come in higher volume to keep the system regulated. 5:1!! That's some weight! But, having a ratio like this, tells us that we CAND do something about it: these biases may be automatic, BUT we can work with counteracting them a bit. We can strengthen prefrontal cortex regulation through intentional activities such as savoring, recognition of micro-moments of connection, naming strengths, repair attempts, and cognitive reframing. Basically being on the lookout for the good.

"“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation" Henry David Thoreau "Alas for those that never sing, But die with all their music in them!" Oliver Wendell Holmes I think about the Thoreau quote often and wonder the sparks that people keep hidden inside of them...One of the blessings and more rewarding parts of my job is that sometimes I get to help people explore this--to help bring out the spark that makes them feel alive. Seeing someone's eyes light up is such a privilege and brings so much joy. It can be easy to drift through life without much intention, agency, or self reflection. It's easy to keep ourselves trapped in a cage of our own making. But....we CAN create a life that doesn't turn into desperation or having us go to the grave with the song still in our hearts.. Here are some things to consider: 1. Name Your Values And Revisit Them Often -when people feel they are “quietly desperate,” it is usually because their lives drift far away from what they actually care about. How to do it: a. Write down the top five things you want your life to stand for b.Ask yourself weekly: “Did I live 1% percent closer to these?” c. Let your values make small decisions easier, so you avoid emotional autopilot Psychology tie in: Values based behavior reduces avoidance and increases a sense of agency :) 2. Practice Micro Courage Quiet desperation often grows from years of small silences--of not speaking up, not trying to step outside of the comfort zone, not risking and not starting. Micro courage: tiny brave acts a. Sending the email/text b. trying the class c. sking the question d.making the change while it is still small Psychology tie in: Every micro act of courage builds your psychological flexibility and shrinks your fear barrier. 3. Get Out Of “All Or Nothing” Thinking A reason people end up feeling stuck is because they think change must be massive or immediate.When the mind goes all or nothing, it has a much harder time acting in some instances. Some people can operate on the 'go big or go home' mentality, but likely they've had a lot of practice in saying yes to smaller steps along the way to where it can be easier to embark on the bigness.

@Benjamin Ross wrote this thoughtful post here : what-drives-us-not-another-new-years-post Take some time to think about the factors that motivate you towards action in your daily life. What are they? How is your approach effective long/short term.

Caught myself doing some 'should'ing this morning and it got me in a mildly frustrated and disappointed state. To the point where I said, "The bar is in hell and people still can't clear it" (cue in spotify playlist of 'the bar is in hell'. haha) BUT, this time it was more as a joke whereas in the past, this would have sunk me for quite some time. I'm chillin' today. Aaaaaaaanyways, lot of unnecessary stress comes from one small word: should (and it's close relatives-musts and oughts). These sound productive but the "tyranny of the shoulds" is just that. Tyrannical. It's language that creates negative pressure, shame, resentment, and chronic disappointment. Leads to a 'should'y life. Why “should” backfires Psychologically, “shoulds” turn preferences into rigid demands. When reality does not match the demand, the result is frustration, resentment, or criticism. When we “should” ourselves, we imply that our current state is unacceptable and we demand perfection..When we “should” others, we create expectations without consent, expect mindreading and for them to be the exact same as you. Both almost always guarantee disappointment when reality fails to comply to our subjective rules. Over time, this mindset activates threat based stress responses rather than growth based motivation. **We stop responding to what is actually happening and start reacting to what we believe ought to be happening. Reality loses every time and it sucks the life out of us** Some shoulds are good though!!! beecause, some shoulds are values based and actually helpful. This is what they can sound like: - I should act with integrity - I should treat people with respect and not intentionally harm them - I should take responsibility for my choices These are flexible and chosen. They guide behavior without shaming and are guided in morals and ethics. Unhealthy shoulds sound like: - I should never struggle - They should meet my needs without me asking - I should be further along than this or I should be over this by now