Our brains are not neutral...ever wonder why one negative comment can derail your whole day while getting positive feedback barely does anything? Why it can be difficult to try new things? Why losing $20 feels worse than winning $20? Why breaking a stream feels more painful than maintaining it feels joyful? This is the brain running on 2 psychological pathways that happen automatically: The negativity bias and loss aversion. Negativity bias means your brain gives negative stimuli preferential treatment. The amygdala fires more rapidly and intensely when it detects anything potentially threatening or painful. Positive events register, but they simply do not activate the same level of neural intensity. So negative experiences feel more intense. Then, loss aversion doubles down. From a cognitive standpoint, losses are viewed as more significant than gains. The psychological “cost” of losing tends to outweigh the psychological “benefit” of gaining, even when the events are equal in size. Your brain would rather avoid the pain of losing than pursue the pleasure of winning. This means negative experiences have more gravitational pull in your mind. Let's translate this to relationships. The Gottman's (gurus on relationships who have tons of research on this) give us the example: In close relationships, you need roughly five positive interactions for every one negative to maintain stability. This ratio is not arbitrary. It counterbalances the heavier cognitive and emotional weight that negative interactions carry. A single critical comment activates both biases, so the positives must come in higher volume to keep the system regulated. 5:1!! That's some weight! But, having a ratio like this, tells us that we CAND do something about it: these biases may be automatic, BUT we can work with counteracting them a bit. We can strengthen prefrontal cortex regulation through intentional activities such as savoring, recognition of micro-moments of connection, naming strengths, repair attempts, and cognitive reframing. Basically being on the lookout for the good.

"“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation" Henry David Thoreau "Alas for those that never sing, But die with all their music in them!" Oliver Wendell Holmes I think about the Thoreau quote often and wonder the sparks that people keep hidden inside of them...One of the blessings and more rewarding parts of my job is that sometimes I get to help people explore this--to help bring out the spark that makes them feel alive. Seeing someone's eyes light up is such a privilege and brings so much joy. It can be easy to drift through life without much intention, agency, or self reflection. It's easy to keep ourselves trapped in a cage of our own making. But....we CAN create a life that doesn't turn into desperation or having us go to the grave with the song still in our hearts.. Here are some things to consider: 1. Name Your Values And Revisit Them Often -when people feel they are “quietly desperate,” it is usually because their lives drift far away from what they actually care about. How to do it: a. Write down the top five things you want your life to stand for b.Ask yourself weekly: “Did I live 1% percent closer to these?” c. Let your values make small decisions easier, so you avoid emotional autopilot Psychology tie in: Values based behavior reduces avoidance and increases a sense of agency :) 2. Practice Micro Courage Quiet desperation often grows from years of small silences--of not speaking up, not trying to step outside of the comfort zone, not risking and not starting. Micro courage: tiny brave acts a. Sending the email/text b. trying the class c. sking the question d.making the change while it is still small Psychology tie in: Every micro act of courage builds your psychological flexibility and shrinks your fear barrier. 3. Get Out Of “All Or Nothing” Thinking A reason people end up feeling stuck is because they think change must be massive or immediate.When the mind goes all or nothing, it has a much harder time acting in some instances. Some people can operate on the 'go big or go home' mentality, but likely they've had a lot of practice in saying yes to smaller steps along the way to where it can be easier to embark on the bigness.

@Benjamin Ross wrote this thoughtful post here : what-drives-us-not-another-new-years-post Take some time to think about the factors that motivate you towards action in your daily life. What are they? How is your approach effective long/short term.

Caught myself doing some 'should'ing this morning and it got me in a mildly frustrated and disappointed state. To the point where I said, "The bar is in hell and people still can't clear it" (cue in spotify playlist of 'the bar is in hell'. haha) BUT, this time it was more as a joke whereas in the past, this would have sunk me for quite some time. I'm chillin' today. Aaaaaaaanyways, lot of unnecessary stress comes from one small word: should (and it's close relatives-musts and oughts). These sound productive but the "tyranny of the shoulds" is just that. Tyrannical. It's language that creates negative pressure, shame, resentment, and chronic disappointment. Leads to a 'should'y life. Why “should” backfires Psychologically, “shoulds” turn preferences into rigid demands. When reality does not match the demand, the result is frustration, resentment, or criticism. When we “should” ourselves, we imply that our current state is unacceptable and we demand perfection..When we “should” others, we create expectations without consent, expect mindreading and for them to be the exact same as you. Both almost always guarantee disappointment when reality fails to comply to our subjective rules. Over time, this mindset activates threat based stress responses rather than growth based motivation. **We stop responding to what is actually happening and start reacting to what we believe ought to be happening. Reality loses every time and it sucks the life out of us** Some shoulds are good though!!! beecause, some shoulds are values based and actually helpful. This is what they can sound like: - I should act with integrity - I should treat people with respect and not intentionally harm them - I should take responsibility for my choices These are flexible and chosen. They guide behavior without shaming and are guided in morals and ethics. Unhealthy shoulds sound like: - I should never struggle - They should meet my needs without me asking - I should be further along than this or I should be over this by now

@Bruno Militz and I had a fantastic call last Friday and one of the topics that came up was in relation to vision, intention, and execution of goals. (Find his group here: Personal Growth School --he has a goal setting workshop coming up and his energy is solid--what a delight it was to talk to him! Absolutely love his energy. :) ) Additionally @Wesley Penner also has a group associated with planning/executing Executive Skill Journey -you've seen some of his helpful comments/feedback on here!:) Amongst other things, we talked about the different type of things that contribute to people falling short on their goals and getting discouraged and the types of things that build momentum and keep us focused. I'm kind of curious about everyone's process to goal execution. What do you do? What's your approach? I typically do a vision board--something that reminds me of the broader things/values that i want to focus on and embody. I want to focus on who I want to become/nurture as a person and take action that coincides with that. (e.g. the word connection or a picture of friends may be on the board). In addition to this, I may then break it down and have some action steps that's separate from the vision board (e.g. set up a date with a friend). I don't always put timelines on things and I also don't make it so stringent that if I somehow miss the mark it becomes discouraging. It's too easy to become discouraged. Below are some approaches that some people take (chat GPT did help with the pretty structuring and some of the info!) 1️⃣ Outcome Based Goals Focus is on the end result.Example: “I want to lose 10 pounds” or “I want to finish my degree.” ✔️ Good for direction and clarity ⚠️ Can feel overwhelming if not broken down; people often fail these without a strong why and without a strong process