🚫Stop 'should'ing all over yourself and over everyone else (read that out loud, ha!)
Caught myself doing some 'should'ing this morning and it got me in a mildly frustrated and disappointed state. To the point where I said, "The bar is in hell and people still can't clear it" (cue in spotify playlist of 'the bar is in hell'. haha) BUT, this time it was more as a joke whereas in the past, this would have sunk me for quite some time. I'm chillin' today.
Aaaaaaaanyways, lot of unnecessary stress comes from one small word: should (and it's close relatives-musts and oughts). These sound productive but the "tyranny of the shoulds" is just that. Tyrannical. It's language that creates negative pressure, shame, resentment, and chronic disappointment. Leads to a 'should'y life.
Why “should” backfires
Psychologically, “shoulds” turn preferences into rigid demands. When reality does not match the demand, the result is frustration, resentment, or criticism.
When we “should” ourselves, we imply that our current state is unacceptable and we demand perfection..When we “should” others, we create expectations without consent, expect mindreading and for them to be the exact same as you. Both almost always guarantee disappointment when reality fails to comply to our subjective rules.
Over time, this mindset activates threat based stress responses rather than growth based motivation.
**We stop responding to what is actually happening and start reacting to what we believe ought to be happening. Reality loses every time and it sucks the life out of us**
Some shoulds are good though!!!
beecause, some shoulds are values based and actually helpful.
This is what they can sound like:
- I should act with integrity
- I should treat people with respect and not intentionally harm them
- I should take responsibility for my choices
These are flexible and chosen. They guide behavior without shaming and are guided in morals and ethics.
Unhealthy shoulds sound like:
- I should never struggle
- They should meet my needs without me asking
- I should be further along than this or I should be over this by now
Those are fear based. Rigid, shaming, and disconnected from reality.
How to stop should’ing
- Replace “should” with “I would prefer” or “I value”
- Check if the expectation was clearly communicated
- Ask if this belief supports growth or just self punishment--these feel different internally
- Practice curiosity instead of judgment (curiosity!!!)
Progress happens through awareness and alignment, not through internal bullying You can't shame yourself into alignment, but you CAN support yoruself into change.
(video does better at explaining :))
Question to ponder on:
What are some of the shoulds that you allow in your life that are helpful vs. not helpful?
I should all over myself and others and that's just how it should be
I try to stay away from shoulds as much as possible--no shoulding, ever
some shoulds are helpful but generally they've done more harm than good
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🚫Stop 'should'ing all over yourself and over everyone else (read that out loud, ha!)
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