🚩The 5 to 1 Rule: Psychological Math You Need for Healthy Relationships (Negativity bias and Loss Aversion)
Our brains are not neutral...ever wonder why one negative comment can derail your whole day while getting positive feedback barely does anything? Why it can be difficult to try new things? Why losing $20 feels worse than winning $20? Why breaking a stream feels more painful than maintaining it feels joyful?
This is the brain running on 2 psychological pathways that happen automatically: The negativity bias and loss aversion.
Negativity bias means your brain gives negative stimuli preferential treatment. The amygdala fires more rapidly and intensely when it detects anything potentially threatening or painful. Positive events register, but they simply do not activate the same level of neural intensity. So negative experiences feel more intense.
Then, loss aversion doubles down. From a cognitive standpoint, losses are viewed as more significant than gains. The psychological “cost” of losing tends to outweigh the psychological “benefit” of gaining, even when the events are equal in size. Your brain would rather avoid the pain of losing than pursue the pleasure of winning. This means negative experiences have more gravitational pull in your mind.
Let's translate this to relationships. The Gottman's (gurus on relationships who have tons of research on this) give us the example: In close relationships, you need roughly five positive interactions for every one negative to maintain stability. This ratio is not arbitrary. It counterbalances the heavier cognitive and emotional weight that negative interactions carry. A single critical comment activates both biases, so the positives must come in higher volume to keep the system regulated. 5:1!! That's some weight!
But, having a ratio like this, tells us that we CAND do something about it: these biases may be automatic, BUT we can work with counteracting them a bit. We can strengthen prefrontal cortex regulation through intentional activities such as savoring, recognition of micro-moments of connection, naming strengths, repair attempts, and cognitive reframing. Basically being on the lookout for the good.
We are not trying to pretend negativity does not exist!We're not trying to ignore red flags (this is it's own topic). We are learning to rebalance a scale that is naturally weighted to one side. When we consistently create positive interactions, nurture appreciation, and pause before reacting,we give our brain the corrective signals it needs to process our world more accurately! This is NOT toxic positivity--it really is about rebalancing the scales a bit. Still assess the negative and really try to look at the actual risks, but don't deny the positive that is also there but just not as highlighted.
Can you remember a time when you've experienced negativity bias or loss aversion?
Poll: How do I look at the world?
I try to be on the look out for positives
I have a hard time seeing the positives, especially once I've seen a negative
Something else
11
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🚩The 5 to 1 Rule: Psychological Math You Need for Healthy Relationships (Negativity bias and Loss Aversion)
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