I Got Blindsided Series "exposing toxic relationship positivity" What’s up community! It’s your boy @yocoachboom — your relationship consultant. Today I’m going to say something that has been a thron in my side for some time now - Some of the advice you see online will actually hurt your relationship. And it needs to be addressed. The Warning You’ve seen the posts: “Just communicate better - “Be more vulnerable” - “Here’s 5 steps to fix your relationship” - Sounds good, right? But here’s the thing… That advice can fail men who don’t feel safe doing it - yes a lot of guys may struggle with the word safe, so let's go with comfortable, not at ease, a little anxious What toxic relationship coaches fail men…… Most of the men I coach were never taught how to: talk about feelings, stay calm in conflict , feel safe opening up So when someone says… “Just communicate better” That’s like telling me… “Just speak Spanish Kris”… when I never learned it. - Does that even make sense? What Happens Next Guys tries the strategies He follows the steps. And then… -He shuts down-He says the wrong thing-Wasn’t expecting her to pull away The self-talk tied to the old childhood wound says - “Something is wrong with me.” And just like that… -Dude’s confidence drops, His trust in working with another coaching drops the relationship gets worse, distance increases - The guy has not identified and addressed the dance of disconnection that is causing one or both of them to walk off the dance floor - Here’s My Contrarian Take The problem is NOT communication. The problem is… The couples dance of disconnection. “The performance anxiety issue.” If you don’t stop the dance… None of the toxic relationship positivity strategies will work long term. Not date night.Not better words.Not “being more vulnerable.” The Performance Anxiety Lens When a man feels pressure in a relationship… His brain detects a threat, alerts the amygdala - a red code alert It’s like a radar picking up a formation of spinning clouds - the tornado horn sounds

Top 3 times of the year for break ups 1. Jan 2. Spring 3 Summer

What’s up community, I want to send out a shout out to a group of my guys who who are tapping into the Law of Identity and making positive changes. I love seeing my guys being resilient, understanding they are not broken, they have everything they need. Moving from the brink of relationship collapse to transformation by learning how to speak the language of connection 101 is a reality. Therapist and creator of Relational LIfe Therapy Terry Real says "..in his office, most of his work is with men is giving them what their caregivers did not give them emotionally." This reasonates as I grew up in a home of a matriarch, several aunts and my grandmother. My grandmother was atop of the hierarchy. The issue however, I too did not get what I needed emotionally from my caregivers. No one taught me how to handle my emotions in relationships. *Primary vs Secondary Emotions from a Performance Anxiety Lens. The first tool my client receives is a Feelings Wheel created by Gloria Willcox. if you are unfamiliar with the Feeling Wheel, I encourage you to pause and take the time to get one in front of you. Here’s The First Key: Each of us have a manbox. This box is impacted by things such as culture norms. Our manbox is filled with feeback leaning on our idiosyncrasies annd subjective feedback gained through personal experiences such as our history tied trauma. Those who do tap into their feelings communicates: - Anger - Frustration - “I don’t care” The Second Key: Simple Brain Science -Primary emotion (center of the feeling wheel) = first feeling in the body, fast, survival-based, unconscious - Happens before thinking, we react to the uncomfortable feeling. - Feeling comes from the lower emotional brain - Designed to protect us, adaptive, survival, the thinking brain offline.  Examples: - Hurt - Fear - Sadness -Secondary emotion = our reaction to the first feeling, the primary emotion, the center of the wheel: Examples: - Hurt → turns into anger - Fear → turns into control - Sadness → turns into shutdown

All disconnection is a performance anxiety issue - follow here to learn how to Identify & stop your dance of disconnection - take control of your dance & develop meaningful connections💪🏾

What's up community. First of all, if your relationship made it through January, take a moment to celebrate. January is known as the highest month for divorce. If I am going to make a guess, this happens right after the holiday season when life gets back to normal. The majority of the divorces filed by women. It's becoming more common that I am reading about men reporting that they were blindsided when their relationship ended. This is troublling for me to hear. If I was a betting man, most of these guys are missing signs the end is near. In this post, I am going to touch on this topic and hope I can provide some valuable feedback. Why So Many Men Feel Blindsided When a Relationship Ends Just the other day, I was doom scrolling online, "my girl left me, I'm struggling, I was blindsided." Men often say the relationship ended out of nowhere. Amost always, they also say: “I’m struggling emotionally.” One question to consider is "did the struggle start long before the breakup?" The Hidden Reason Men Miss the Warning Signs The most common place men get stuck is something called ambivalence. Ambivalence means: It's like voices or internal family in your head says: - One part of you knows change is needed - Another part of you wants things to stay the same This inner conflict is exhausting—and overtime, easy to ignore. Most men who feel blindsided knew something was off. "Is it possible, they just didn’t feel safe, skilled, or supported enough to change so they shut down and stuck to the status quo?" “They warn I'm tired” — What That Really Means When women talk about or left the relationship, there is a common theme: “I was tired.” (red flag) This doesn’t mean weak or dramitic - usually meaning emotionally worn down The relationship is unbalanced The connection felt loose. Communication felt heavy. Emotional safety faded. Like a charger that was no longer plugged in-the relationship slowly lost power. Why Men Shut Down Instead of Changing Many men were warned directly or indirectly - Most missed or misread the signs.