I got blindsided series "exposing toxic relationship positivity"

Kris Snyder

18d • General discussion

I Got Blindsided Series "exposing toxic relationship positivity"

What’s up community!

It’s your boy @yocoachboom — your relationship consultant.

Today I’m going to say something that has been a thron in my side for some time now -

Some of the advice you see online will actually hurt your relationship.

And it needs to be addressed.

The Warning

You’ve seen the posts:

“Just communicate better -

“Be more vulnerable” -

“Here’s 5 steps to fix your relationship” -

Sounds good, right?

But here’s the thing…

That advice can fail men who don’t feel safe doing it - yes a lot of guys may struggle with the word safe, so let's go with comfortable, not at ease, a little anxious

What toxic relationship coaches fail men……

Most of the men I coach were never taught how to:

talk about feelings, stay calm in conflict , feel safe opening up

So when someone says…

“Just communicate better”

That’s like telling me…

“Just speak Spanish Kris”… when I never learned it. - Does that even make sense?

What Happens Next

Guys tries the strategies

He follows the steps.

And then…

-He shuts down-He says the wrong thing-Wasn’t expecting her to pull away

The self-talk tied to the old childhood wound says -

“Something is wrong with me.”

And just like that…

-Dude’s confidence drops, His trust in working with another coaching drops

the relationship gets worse, distance increases -

The guy has not identified and addressed the dance of disconnection that is causing one or both of them to walk off the dance floor -

Here’s My Contrarian Take

The problem is NOT communication.

The problem is…

The couples dance of disconnection. “The performance anxiety issue.”

If you don’t stop the dance…

None of the toxic relationship positivity strategies will work long term.

Not date night.Not better words.Not “being more vulnerable.”

The Performance Anxiety Lens

When a man feels pressure in a relationship…

His brain detects a threat, alerts the amygdala - a red code alert

It’s like a radar picking up a formation of spinning clouds - the tornado horn sounds

That feeling in the body - performance anxiety.

It feels like:

stage fright, panic inside, feeling like or shutting down - it’s the flight/fight/freeze -

On the outside?

My looks strong -

On the inside?

He feels lost, scared, anxious

So why does he gets “blindsided”

Here’s the part nobody talks about…

Many men say:

“I didn’t see it coming.”

But what really happened?

Staying resolving the dance of disconnection - relying on toxic relationship positivity

The relationship changed He felt it… but didn’t understand itHe tried toxic positivity relationship strategies that he was not wired for or his body shut him down after they didn’t work.

Or while he was on autopilot…

She slowly disconnected, she is there, but not really -

By the time she leaves…

He’s shocked, He feels blindsided

Another Truth The Toxic Positivity Coach Ignores

Have you ever heard the phrase in sports “the enemy has a say?”

For my guys, even if they can pull off the toxic relationship positivity strategy -

“Your partner’s nervous system still has a say.”

Why?

Because…

She has her own attachment style.

Her own triggers.Her own fears.

When I was in private practice, my focus was working with couples using an attachment theory lens.

In my coaching model..…

It’s useless for me to start with “what to say.”

A performance anxiety lens start with:

Understanding your the dance of disconnectionUnderneath understanding how what your caregivers taught you about relationshipsUnderstanding how your nervous system responds to connection.

Because…

You can’t do these five steps …..to fix a relationship if your brain feels unsafe in it - it sounds the red code alert -

Homework (“microwins”- small wins, consistently)

Look up:

Attachment styles

Ask yourself:

Which one sounds like me or your partner

What do I do when I feel pressure?

Do I shut down, chase, or avoid?

Notice and write in your journal

Drop it in the comments

What you share might help another man.