What’s up community, I apologize, I have been running around this spring and it has got the best of me - in a good way – more on this later. Recently I read some comments on IG going back and forth about some confusion if feelings and emotions are the same thing. By the time you complete this short read, you’ll have some clarity. So, hang with me, sometimes the nerd in me likes to get a little teachy. I will try to lean more into storytelling. First, to land the plane quickly - feelings and emotions are 100%, not the same thing. Here’s the thing, this is important The benefit of understanding the difference will increase your self-awareness. This will help you also recognize the feelings and emotions in others. Understanding the difference between emotions and feelings has the potential to play a major role in consistently disrupting intense fellowship that lends itself to the dance of disconnection. emotion. Simply the word means to emote. There are primary and secondary emotions (more on this later) – Primary emotions are the first true emotions, the bottom of the iceberg, they are honest, vulnerable, held in - probably connected to attachment needs - A lot of men will not engage the primary emotion, they feel unsafe. Secondary emotions represent the tip of the iceberg. This is the what is sitting on top of the iceberg. come - often a protective strategy. This all happens in milliseconds - emotions are a reaction to something, the result of the brain assessing if things are cool – (i.e., “am I safe?”, “am I being disrespected?”, “do I matter?”). figuratively, the emotions will be the tropical storm. feeling - A feeling is what happens when the mind notices and "describes the emotion" (we begin to think) – the experience of the emotion, the awareness of the reaction. (i.e., I have “feelings of sadness, nervous, anger, lonely, and hurt” …….). When your emotions detect something important – the body reacts, the unconscious response, (i.e., jaws clench, hands shake, sweating, the feeling in your gut)

I Got Blindsided Series "exposing toxic relationship positivity" What’s up community! It’s your boy @yocoachboom — your relationship consultant. Today I’m going to say something that has been a thron in my side for some time now - Some of the advice you see online will actually hurt your relationship. And it needs to be addressed. The Warning You’ve seen the posts: “Just communicate better - “Be more vulnerable” - “Here’s 5 steps to fix your relationship” - Sounds good, right? But here’s the thing… That advice can fail men who don’t feel safe doing it - yes a lot of guys may struggle with the word safe, so let's go with comfortable, not at ease, a little anxious What toxic relationship coaches fail men…… Most of the men I coach were never taught how to: talk about feelings, stay calm in conflict , feel safe opening up So when someone says… “Just communicate better” That’s like telling me… “Just speak Spanish Kris”… when I never learned it. - Does that even make sense? What Happens Next Guys tries the strategies He follows the steps. And then… -He shuts down-He says the wrong thing-Wasn’t expecting her to pull away The self-talk tied to the old childhood wound says - “Something is wrong with me.” And just like that… -Dude’s confidence drops, His trust in working with another coaching drops the relationship gets worse, distance increases - The guy has not identified and addressed the dance of disconnection that is causing one or both of them to walk off the dance floor - Here’s My Contrarian Take The problem is NOT communication. The problem is… The couples dance of disconnection. “The performance anxiety issue.” If you don’t stop the dance… None of the toxic relationship positivity strategies will work long term. Not date night.Not better words.Not “being more vulnerable.” The Performance Anxiety Lens When a man feels pressure in a relationship… His brain detects a threat, alerts the amygdala - a red code alert It’s like a radar picking up a formation of spinning clouds - the tornado horn sounds

Top 3 times of the year for break ups 1. Jan 2. Spring 3 Summer

What’s up community, I want to send out a shout out to a group of my guys who who are tapping into the Law of Identity and making positive changes. I love seeing my guys being resilient, understanding they are not broken, they have everything they need. Moving from the brink of relationship collapse to transformation by learning how to speak the language of connection 101 is a reality. Therapist and creator of Relational LIfe Therapy Terry Real says "..in his office, most of his work is with men is giving them what their caregivers did not give them emotionally." This reasonates as I grew up in a home of a matriarch, several aunts and my grandmother. My grandmother was atop of the hierarchy. The issue however, I too did not get what I needed emotionally from my caregivers. No one taught me how to handle my emotions in relationships. *Primary vs Secondary Emotions from a Performance Anxiety Lens. The first tool my client receives is a Feelings Wheel created by Gloria Willcox. if you are unfamiliar with the Feeling Wheel, I encourage you to pause and take the time to get one in front of you. Here’s The First Key: Each of us have a manbox. This box is impacted by things such as culture norms. Our manbox is filled with feeback leaning on our idiosyncrasies annd subjective feedback gained through personal experiences such as our history tied trauma. Those who do tap into their feelings communicates: - Anger - Frustration - “I don’t care” The Second Key: Simple Brain Science -Primary emotion (center of the feeling wheel) = first feeling in the body, fast, survival-based, unconscious - Happens before thinking, we react to the uncomfortable feeling. - Feeling comes from the lower emotional brain - Designed to protect us, adaptive, survival, the thinking brain offline.  Examples: - Hurt - Fear - Sadness -Secondary emotion = our reaction to the first feeling, the primary emotion, the center of the wheel: Examples: - Hurt → turns into anger - Fear → turns into control - Sadness → turns into shutdown

All disconnection is a performance anxiety issue - follow here to learn how to Identify & stop your dance of disconnection - take control of your dance & develop meaningful connections💪🏾