The Seeker · The Lighthouse Project

The Seeker

I will break the answers down into seperate posts as not to overwelm the reader.

How I Feel

Anxious - I used to get a strong feeling of anxiety when I would project my current situation into the future. I would assume that because something wasn't right now then it would be like that forever and would never work out. My outlook was so limited I was unable to see all of the possible routes, assuming that there was only one guarenteed outcome.

When I think back to my past I think a lot of this came from society, parents and school. We were taught that you went to school, then Uni and after that you got a job for 40+ years and then you could enjoy life. It felt like a long prison sentence for a crime I hadn't comitted had been placed on me from an early age. I felt that when I would finally be "free" I'd be too old and frail to anything with my time anyway.

Queue the booze and drugs.

2.Depressed - Obviously such a bleak outlook on what my life had to be like led to depression. Especially in my first years of University. I was doing a degree (Aeronautical Engineering) everyone else wanted me to do and because I was "good at maths and physics."

I'd let my mum talk me out of doing Psychology because apparently "I didn't like writing" and all I could see was that I was going to be an engineer stuck in an office for the next 40 years. I couldn't get a girlfriend and I was drinking, like most uni students, way too much.

I finally seeked help and saw the psychologist who immediately put me on anti-depressants. Something wasn't right. We'd only chatted for 15 minutes and no other solution was offered. When I took the first one I felt like I was coming up on a pill (ectasy) and knew I couldn't take these daily. I had to find another way.

The following summer was a huge change for me when I had a huge epiphany, an almost religious experience. I was at friends house and we had all dropped pills (ironically) and were dancing away. There was a small china statue on the way to the toilet holding a small sign, although I can't rememeber what it said exactly, it grabbed my attention and as I was reading it Pablo Gargano - Everyone's Future came on and as I listened to the repetitive lyrics I knew that I was in charge of my life and I could choose my own future. It would take years to intergrate that knowledge into my being, however I have never really been depressed since that day as I only have to think back to that magical moment of divine intervention.

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