Mar 5 • General
A Caretaker Story - It Often Looks Different
It was a Ramadan evening. I was approaching the car where one woman was holding open the door and two others were still seated within it. Since I could tell these were Muslim women, I greeted them, As-Salaamu-Alaikum! and smiled. I realized we were probably headed to the same place. It was kind of cold and I was hurrying along. Yet I heard no, Wa-Alaikum-as-Salaam back, so I turned my head to look to see if they heard me as I kept moving. The one holding the door saw me and just looked, kinda vacant, but didn't respond. It was as if she didn't want to speak, actually, or could not.
It's a Quranic directive that when you get a greeting you're supposed to respond with an equal or better greeting. During Ramadan especially, these kinds of reminders surface and are observed.
For a moment, I entertained the thought that maybe she could see my head/hair wasn't fully covered, and like some Arab store owners: I should not receive the "salaams" greetings of peace due to not being dressed "properly." Then I perished that thought. It could be something else.
Shortly I got upstairs to the Iftar (break-fast) and one of the women I saw downstairs soon arrived. She greeted everyone; some with hugs. I felt weird because she didn't greet me with especial love (some sisters really do, especially around the holidays). We didn't really know each other so smiles and quick salaams sufficed.
Then I realized she was with a much older woman, her mother, who she and others were helping to be seated. Mother had a cane and was very infirm. Time passed, the other woman who was the driver of the car joined us. She had let her mom and sis off and gone to park the car. Soon it was time to eat.
After I had finished my food and while the others were still eating in an adjoining dining space, I asked Mother a question about the onscreen video in the living room--Are they talking about the current jus (chapter of Quran)? She replied, I don't know, I'm not Muslim. I nodded that oh-I-asked-the-wrong-person-nod and went to get some dessert.
The evening wore on, and I realized the two women I had seen at the car were taking time to help Mother get out of the car. Maybe this is why they had fewer smiles than the rest of us. They had chosen to bring Mother along; perhaps one of them would have had to stay home with her if they had not.
When the eight of us had completed sunset prayers and Iftar meal, we took pictures in the best corner of the room, in front of curtains. Then someone said, Let's take one with your mom! We assembled in the area where Mother sat near the stairway. We stood around her, photos were taken, then people went to gather their things.
I was already near the stairs and ready to leave, but I noticed daughter #1 was attempting to rise Mother up from her seat, having much difficulty.
Mother asked me, Can you help me up? I said, Of course, and took her right arm and put my hand over hers on the cane to steady her, while Daughter had the left side. We lifted her up, and it wasn't easy. She could barely stand straight.
Then I smelt it, and Daughter did too. "You need to go to the bathroom, right? Let's go now."We both helped her to take steps forward and steady herself. Daughter seemed to have it and Mother seemed pretty steady, so I let go, confirming it was okay now. They said, Yes, thank you.
Thoughts of taking care of my own mother and smells of adult diaper leakages rushed through my mind. I felt remorseful about thinking these sisters were ignoring me, when in fact they were consumed with their mom's care and needs.
I say all this to say, when we take care of others, we don't know what norms and expectations might be affected. I thought I was being ignored purposely. I mean, she had looked straight at me, but said nothing. Now I knew why that didn't happen. Daughter literally Had. No. Words. She really hadn't seen or heard me greet her.
Finally, I understood. Said better, God gave me inner-standing of what it means to support an elder, shoulder the burden of care with a sibling, and do it with a grace that may not communicate directly with others. When you just want to be with others after a long day of fasting... and caretaking.
Takeaway--As we grow older and care for others even older, let us be kind and continue to assist one another and think the best of whatever is happening. The best thoughts are always rewarded.
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A Caretaker Story - It Often Looks Different
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