For years, I thought stress was just “fight or flight.”

Mercedes Aspland

🔥

26d • General discussion

Either I was calm or I was anxious, panicked, and running on adrenaline.

But that never explained the other times.

The times I felt completely shut down, numb, disconnected, staring at a half-finished task and unable to move.

I used to call myself lazy.

I’d spiral in shame because no amount of “just relax” or “get motivated” seemed to work.

But here’s what I’ve learned:

👉 That isn’t laziness.

👉 That isn’t failure.

👉 That is your nervous system protecting you.

🌿 Enter Polyvagal Theory

Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory gives us a complete map of the nervous system, not just two states, but six different states we can move through.

Think of it like a ladder. At any given moment, you’re on one of the rungs, and your body is climbing up and down based on whether it feels safe or threatened.

Here’s a simple breakdown:

1️⃣ Collapse (Dorsal Vagal) – numb, shut down, “I can’t even.”

2️⃣ Freeze – tense but stuck, like a deer in headlights.

3️⃣ Fight/Flight (Sympathetic) – anxious, angry, panicked, mobilized to run or fight.

4️⃣ Rest & Digest (Ventral Vagal) – safe stillness, calm, peaceful.

5️⃣ Playful Energy (Safe Sympathetic + Ventral) – lively, joyful, creative.

6️⃣ Social Connection (Ventral) – grounded, open, connected with others.

The key? You can’t just leap from collapse straight to connection. You climb back up one rung at a time.

✨ So how do you climb?

Here are 5 practices that help me (and might help you too):

The Vagal Sigh – Long exhale breaths that send a direct “I’m safe” signal.
Humming or toning – Gentle vibration in the throat calms the vagus nerve.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding – Noticing 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste — pulling you back into the present.
The Self-Hug – Safe touch you give yourself, telling your body “I am held.”
Micro-Connection – A smile, a text to a friend, a warm memory. Tiny sparks of co-regulation.

When I realized my nervous system wasn’t broken, I stopped fighting against it.

I stopped shaming myself for being “lazy” or “weak.”

And instead, I started giving myself compassion.

Because resilience isn’t about staying on the top rung forever.

It’s about knowing how to climb back up with kindness when life knocks you down.

💡 Which rung of the ladder feels most familiar to you right now?

And if this resonates, I’d love to hear which of the five practices you’ll try first.

🌿 You deserve compassion, not shame. Always.

8 comments