What Does An Angry Person Need? · The De-Escalation Academy

What Does An Angry Person Need?

When someone lashes out at you, that person is unable to process his or her upset/pain in a healthy way. Sometimes, anger is not righteous, but is a reflection of deeper emotional wounding. When anger is righteous, it sends an emphatic message:

“Pay attention to me. I don’t like what you re doing. Restore my pride. You are in my way. Danger. Give me justice.”

Either way, anger and fury have five needs that must be satisfied. When someone takes their anger out on you, one or more of these needs is not being met.

The five needs of an angry person are...

Vengeance

Vengeance is the need to exact pain on another person. It is an anticipatory emotion in the sense that our brains release dopamine when we think about punishing our offender. The sad problem is that if we obtain vengeance, no dopamine is released, and we feel let down.

2. Validation

Validation is the need to be respected. All of us need dignity, and when it is challenged, we become angry.

3. Vindication

Vindication is the need to be right and the other person to be wrong. Part of our sense of justice is based on a determination of who is right and who’s wrong. If we are right and falsely accused of being wrong, we become angry.

4. The Need to be Heard

The need to be heard is much more than just having somebody listen to our words. This need is genuinely met when emotions are heard by others. When we are not heard (called emotional invalidation), we become angry. The most important part of this article is understanding that if you can meet the need to be heard, you can calm an angry person in literally seconds.

5. The Need for Safety

Every human needs physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. If we feel unsafe, we will feel anger.

Most people cannot self-regulate their emotions and lash out when stressed. Think of a broad rubber band. When it’s in a relaxed state, it can take stretching without strain. When it is stretched out to nearly its breaking point, the lightest pull might snap it.

Emotional elasticity is the same way. When rested and relaxed, people are elastic. They can take upsets and frustrations in stride. When tired and stressed, an insignificant event can set them off into a rage. When people take their anger out on you, they are probably in this inelastic state.

Anger is usually a deflection of painful deeper emotions and a defense mechanism against old pain. Unresolved childhood sadness, shame, abandonment, unloved, and rejection may create an emotionally inelastic adult prone to angry outbursts.

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