I feel we are just sadistic,the classical monkey pulling others down

I genuinely am wondering. Because I have a masturbation addiction and it felt good, until I realised that I have responsibilittes. And I can't understand why I should stop doing what I'm doing on the daily basis. It definitely feels good by itself. It's just this pressure of me wanting to become a good person in the eyes of the society. Just because this reason to become a good person is so small, I'm not able to stop. I'm such an animal that I never wanted to care about other people's opinions. But I was never able to stop caring. And I feel no shame writing any of this. Knowing that I should visit a therapist, I'm still just spilling my shit out on some skool server. I feel enslaved by the society. This pressure feels like, me being trapped by needs of socialization and I cant be myself. Because that would mean my death in the eyes of others. People dont want to be around bad people. Even tho we lie to eachother's faces on the daily basis. I'm just not able to live around that lie. I have this unhealthy mindset of being honest. Every time I close myself on the inside I begin to stink. And everybody is able to feel it from me. everybody turns away and I am left with no choice. Being this person that I am, I wondered about the virtues of life. If it is either living in truth or maybe delusions worth living. And I'm coming to a conclusion, that living in truth to yourself and others, has no meaning. Because meaning in life is a lie. And if truth is harsh, and lies are sweet. If life in truth is difficult and life in delusion is a shortcut. How is it like to die in each of these states? If I will live in truth, wouldnt my death be a good tasting relief? If I live in lies, wouldnt my death be painfull? Because when I die surrounded with lies, I come to a realisation. I crash because, I didnt have enough time to accept that my life has no meaning. I will scream on the inside, because I'll realise that nobody has ever loved me and my life was somebody else's gain. That afterall I was living for some self centred narcissits. I wasnt able to live for myself and I paid the price on my death bed. Lie is a path of cowards that will achieve nothing but pain in the end. I dont want to be a coward, I could never. And society can slowly kill me. But I will never betray honesty living deep attached into me. I'll do what must be done to die best.

My friends have keen interests in philosophy and whenever it's brought up, I have to shamefully surrender to "I don't know." But no longer, these are the most important/brought up philosophers/philosophy, their studies and what they infer the world to be. 1. Plato - There is a higher non-physical realm of abstract, perfect forms and the physical world is 'imperfect copies'. The good is objective and absolute and a good life is aligning with virtue. Truth is found in rationality. 2. Aristotle - Everything in reality is 'substances with purpose' (teleology). A good life should flourish (eudaimonia) achieved through cultivating virtues, reason with the world through logic and observation 3. Utilitarianism - Overall naturalistic, the morally right action maximizes overall happiness and reduces suffering. Become a consequentialist in reasoning. 4. Kantianism (similar to deontology) - We cannot know ultimate reality (noumena), only appearances (phenomena). Morality stems from rational duty, act only on rules you will to be universal laws. 5. Existentialism - No universal meaning to reality, you must create your own values. You reason based on your experiences rather than abstract systems. 6. Stoicism - Universe is ordered by logos, control what you can and accept what you can't. Virtue is good. 7. Materialism (Physicalism) - Everything is physical (wow). Closely linked with secular humanism - science is the primary path to truth. 8. Dualism - Mental and physical substance are distinct, often tied to religious frameworks. cogito, ergo sum (such a cold line) 9. Nihilism - life sucks, has no purpose, you get over it after college or not. 10. Pragmatism - Truth is found when they have practical consequences. Am I missing the point of philosophy, yes, is it bad to look at philosophy in this way, not really. feel free to correct anything or add anything

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Hello about 4 years ago I used to read like 100 books a year. Just normal story books like tom sawyer peter pan etc. At that time I was basically a machine i only got a single 7/10 mark(like a single B-) in 4 years but after then I kinda lost all interest in reading and learning. now I'm just a normal guy but as the years in school go by my subject skills get worse and worse. Maybe I'm just a lazy bastard idk. but sometimes on text equations i just cant kinda figure out what to do but when someone helps me it's always kinda -oh yeah I would have done that idk how to explain it