I genuinely am wondering. Because I have a masturbation addiction and it felt good, until I realised that I have responsibilittes. And I can't understand why I should stop doing what I'm doing on the daily basis. It definitely feels good by itself. It's just this pressure of me wanting to become a good person in the eyes of the society. Just because this reason to become a good person is so small, I'm not able to stop. I'm such an animal that I never wanted to care about other people's opinions. But I was never able to stop caring. And I feel no shame writing any of this. Knowing that I should visit a therapist, I'm still just spilling my shit out on some skool server. I feel enslaved by the society. This pressure feels like, me being trapped by needs of socialization and I cant be myself. Because that would mean my death in the eyes of others. People dont want to be around bad people. Even tho we lie to eachother's faces on the daily basis. I'm just not able to live around that lie. I have this unhealthy mindset of being honest. Every time I close myself on the inside I begin to stink. And everybody is able to feel it from me. everybody turns away and I am left with no choice. Being this person that I am, I wondered about the virtues of life. If it is either living in truth or maybe delusions worth living. And I'm coming to a conclusion, that living in truth to yourself and others, has no meaning. Because meaning in life is a lie. And if truth is harsh, and lies are sweet. If life in truth is difficult and life in delusion is a shortcut. How is it like to die in each of these states? If I will live in truth, wouldnt my death be a good tasting relief? If I live in lies, wouldnt my death be painfull? Because when I die surrounded with lies, I come to a realisation. I crash because, I didnt have enough time to accept that my life has no meaning. I will scream on the inside, because I'll realise that nobody has ever loved me and my life was somebody else's gain. That afterall I was living for some self centred narcissits. I wasnt able to live for myself and I paid the price on my death bed. Lie is a path of cowards that will achieve nothing but pain in the end. I dont want to be a coward, I could never. And society can slowly kill me. But I will never betray honesty living deep attached into me. I'll do what must be done to die best.

I’m currently reading the courage to be disliked and looking for books around that topic or anything in general

I think in living philosophy absurdism is really important. For me Absurdism helps me to not take things too serious and take a step back and realize that that a lot of things I do are just meaningless and the gift of MY consciousness gives it the meaning. Also a lot of interactions with different people that say shit that is straight absurd and dumb gives me a sense of eaze that being too serious kills my genuine self. I have to talk in sarcasm and irony (IRL) becouse what isnt more absurd and dumb than making shit up. Take a step back and enjoy every sense of your body your consciousness, your muslces, Things only you can feel. sorry for the typos and bad grammar iam not an american.