30d (edited) • General discussion
My animal.
I genuinely am wondering. Because I have a masturbation addiction and it felt good, until I realised that I have responsibilittes. And I can't understand why I should stop doing what I'm doing on the daily basis. It definitely feels good by itself. It's just this pressure of me wanting to become a good person in the eyes of the society. Just because this reason to become a good person is so small, I'm not able to stop. I'm such an animal that I never wanted to care about other people's opinions. But I was never able to stop caring. And I feel no shame writing any of this. Knowing that I should visit a therapist, I'm still just spilling my shit out on some skool server. I feel enslaved by the society. This pressure feels like, me being trapped by needs of socialization and I cant be myself. Because that would mean my death in the eyes of others. People dont want to be around bad people. Even tho we lie to eachother's faces on the daily basis. I'm just not able to live around that lie. I have this unhealthy mindset of being honest. Every time I close myself on the inside I begin to stink. And everybody is able to feel it from me. everybody turns away and I am left with no choice. Being this person that I am, I wondered about the virtues of life. If it is either living in truth or maybe delusions worth living. And I'm coming to a conclusion, that living in truth to yourself and others, has no meaning. Because meaning in life is a lie. And if truth is harsh, and lies are sweet. If life in truth is difficult and life in delusion is a shortcut. How is it like to die in each of these states? If I will live in truth, wouldnt my death be a good tasting relief? If I live in lies, wouldnt my death be painfull? Because when I die surrounded with lies, I come to a realisation. I crash because, I didnt have enough time to accept that my life has no meaning.
I will scream on the inside, because I'll realise that nobody has ever loved me and my life was somebody else's gain. That afterall I was living for some self centred narcissits. I wasnt able to live for myself and I paid the price on my death bed. Lie is a path of cowards that will achieve nothing but pain in the end. I dont want to be a coward, I could never. And society can slowly kill me. But I will never betray honesty living deep attached into me. I'll do what must be done to die best.
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My animal.
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