Lovely souls, after 11/2 years living in my van I moved several months ago into my apartment. My little travel altar put on a dresser. Messy. Not really seen. Dusty. Uhhhh. I felt ashamed. But the fatigue.... And several days ago I had the energy and time😍 it feels so good to have created a new one for/in this apartment! I'm so happy💃 What about you? Do you have one? Or some corner in your house which has a special meaning for you, empowers you, connects you with spirits/ancestors...? Are you open to share it with us?

Brother uncle song encouraged me to write a post here in the general section. It is interesting to observe how I feel to post about it again. I feel kind of pushy ;-) I was always a very curious, energetic, inspired person who loved to do a lot. Until I had my burn out aka depression/panic attacks in (around) 2015. This brought my to the path of self-development and spirituality. Well, I was on that path before but then it/I got "serious". I learned a lot, grew a lot, got a much deeper connection and understanding of the energetic and spiritual world. So from my point of view today I'm grateful for this depression and panic attacks. As it brought me to another track in life and much more deeper connection to me. But what never got healed was the fatigue I had since than. And it made me aware that I felt tired since childhood. I just haven't been aware of it. I ignored it and fought it (and the underlying emotions/traumas) with a lot of activity. Since I'm aware of it I try to find a solution to feel energetic, inspired, motivated, like me again... I tried so much over the years... Since two years it got even worse. First I thought I'm just close to burn out again, as my father died one year before. I was the only one who was responsible for everything (doctors, house/apartments, bureaucracy, selling/clearing the house....). I thought that I just need some months to recover and everything is fine. But I didn't get better. It got worse. My muscle strength got quiet weak (which was never my problem before) and startet to feel kind of sore, my joints started to hurt, I got heavy mood swings (generally I don't feel depressed, but there are those days when it gets really dark, like someone had pushed a button (or Harry Potters Dementors came in), brain fog... A half year later I got aware that I was bitten by a tick a half year before... And short after that my pre menopause started. Both could have affected my fatigue. Just to give you a brief overview what I have tried over the years:

Kale often talks about our words being prayers, or poetry. I felt this deeply when I witnessed people on social media chalking up depression into a clever single sentence "depression is suppression". While I believe that it is somewhat the case it goes far deeper then that. As someone that still has moments of depression or unexplainable sadness that makes me want to curl up into a ball. I felt trivialized, how could it be that easy? Do they know the lengths I have taken to express this pain out of me? - Did they not know the years of therapy I had undergone? - Did they know the concoction of pills that the VA prescribed to me? But actually made everything worse - Did they know how far I have traveled to experience this retreat, this workshop, this plant medicine, this modality, this lineage just to experience an ounce of joy in my body?!? In my passion I wrote the following, not even sure I shared it with anyone but this community empowers me in ways that I can't describe. ================================================ Would you have known? Theres this expression going around that talks about suppression being the cause of depression. Well I have an expression too 🖕 Let me emphasize that something so complex as the mind can't possibly be intellectualized in one sentence. Its funny to me to think that neurologist have been studying depression for decades and someone comes along and says "I have done it I have found the solution of depression. It's because you aren't expressing enough". Do you even know what true depression is? Its like falling in a hole but its not like any hole you have ever seen. The walls cave in around you The darkness encircles you Emotions run so deep that it suffocates you. You are surrounded by everyone and at the same time alone. The voices in your head smothering the truth that you know deeply but can no longer see. *Whispers echoing in the mind* Suck it up Dont show any weakness Dont be a bitch Crying is for babies

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DGivNo8ozl1/?igsh=MWE5MzNhbXhreHI3bw== I saw this today and have been reflecting on life after death. I am not afraid of it and in a lot of ways I welcome that new experience, when it is time. This comes from a sudden and unexpected friend's, friend, untimely fatal car crash heading into work on a Wednesday morning. I did not know him personally but I have been blessed with his music and talents from within a band I listen too. The bands recommendation was the following: - Do the thing. Whatever that thing is, do it. Take action towards your dreams and goals. We never know when our time will come. - Connect with your community, share stories and share love, share tears and share hugs.

I was writing something and thought that it wouldn't give the N.O.W. Academy justice for how much it has shifted and transformed my life in the such a short amount of time that I have been apart of the community that I tried to put it in a video. Hopefully this was better expressed because I didn't know what I was going to say or how it even came out (plus it was WAY harder lol), but its also more REAL to me than just writing about the impact this has had on me. Thank you, everyone in the community. Thank you, @Kale Kaalekahi, @Song Bledsoe for having me and sharing your tools, lessons, and stories that have been passed down to you. Also, the link to it on YouTube is here: https://youtu.be/My8n3U0gq5w