Sorry I missed today, work got in the way of course (a meeting at that time). I'll watch...thank you!

YES, this is happening and the decision he will have to leave. Now it's just logistics. Even with that done (soon), she told me it isn't enough - it's not over yet though

Update: I finally got the full story, or as much as I wanted to get. Regarding her trauma, which is very significant. In another post I mentioned that I have zero memory of doing this, but while she was sleeping I bit her finger. That was at the end of December and since then it's all gone downhill fast. The thing with my son was triggering, but not the major shift for her...just a strong boundary she has. That bite (however unintentional), by the person she trusts the most, while vulnerable (asleep) brought back vivid memories of her pretty terrible trauma. Without going into detail, decades ago she dealt with this and it took her 3-4 years of therapy (trauma specialist) + EMDR therapy to be able to become a sexual person at all. Since then, she's the best lover I've ever had, no question; however, since the bite...nothing. She told me that she feels like she is back to where she was prior to the 3-4 years of therapy and has zero desire, not just me, but none whatsoever. It is terrifying to her. She thinks it may take a while, at least a year and hopefully not more like it did initially to get that back....and as she was sobbing in the bathtub telling me this, she said "I don't know if I even want to try - it was so painful last time". She also said she realizes that 98% of other women would not have this reaction and she knows it's not logical, but for her it is at the nervous system level. There were other traumas it triggered as well, but none as deep as this one....they all just added on top of it. Based on this, I don't see a way forward at this time with her. I will keep doing what I am doing to be a better man and will support her as a friend (we have been >35 years) and be there for her in that way through her recovery. I genuinely believe her and am realizing that yes, there are things I could have done better, but the root of it isn't me....but I could have helped more than I did and listened better years ago too. I'll work on myself. I feel more at peace. She really doesn't want to end the relationship, she loves me more than anyone she ever has....and even that is scary to her. I truly believe she won't be able to do that deep healing work with me sleeping next to her and reminding her that we aren't intimate like we were....she'd likely feel guilty about that and that won't help anything either. Yes, that would be really rough on me too....it's been 4 months, I'm not sure I could sign up for potentially another 6 months (optimistically, I could do that) to 4 years of no sex (during her healing work) before she hopefully gets her desire back (all the while she's not sure she wants to do that either). I wish I could just fix it for her, but I cannot.

This was an excellent training and I am so glad I have joined all of them so far! if you haven't done so, I do encourage you all to join :-). Thanks, Mark! 😀

great thoughts and what is looking my next step...unfortunately....not there yet, but it looks more likely.

Johnathan, you are NOT alone. My finacee is doing the same thing. I'm at the point where I just assume it doesn't mean anything until she explicitly tells me it does by telling me a separation is off the table....then, and only then, will I even think about "relaxing" in my focused work....and then it will remain focused, but with a more "peaceful" direction. We're all here for one another :-)

I think the hardest thing to accept, for me, is that I don't have any control over how she feels or what decisions she makes. I do have some influence through my actions but not words. Personally, I won't give up but am doing the work I am doing....for me. We had a talk tonight and I just told her about what I'm doing (here and with my therapist) and that if she sees the consistency and changes, great....but regardless, I am doing it for me, my kids and it's the right thing to do. If she does see it, I'd love to share it with her and have her benefit from it....if not, I cannot control that. In that case, maybe someone else will benefit from it (although that is painful to think about and I can't really see that clearly right now, of course), but I'd prefer it to be her 100%. She did tell me that I have been wonderful lately and we are getting along better than we have in months....so I will just keep doing what I am doing, for me. I truly think that is key. IF she views it as "oh, he is only doing this for me because I said I'm leaving" or "it won't last and he's just trying to keep me", then I know I'll be angry with myself IF we don't save "us".....but if it is for ME and my kids, then regardless of what she does, it was the right thing to do. Yep, in our talk, I told her that....that it's for me and the kids and I'll keep working on myself, regardless of what she does. This seems to really land with her...so I just stopped and let that sit with her for while until she fell asleep.