Caught myself doing some 'should'ing this morning and it got me in a mildly frustrated and disappointed state. To the point where I said, "The bar is in hell and people still can't clear it" (cue in spotify playlist of 'the bar is in hell'. haha) BUT, this time it was more as a joke whereas in the past, this would have sunk me for quite some time. I'm chillin' today. Aaaaaaaanyways, lot of unnecessary stress comes from one small word: should (and it's close relatives-musts and oughts). These sound productive but the "tyranny of the shoulds" is just that. Tyrannical. It's language that creates negative pressure, shame, resentment, and chronic disappointment. Leads to a 'should'y life. Why “should” backfires Psychologically, “shoulds” turn preferences into rigid demands. When reality does not match the demand, the result is frustration, resentment, or criticism. When we “should” ourselves, we imply that our current state is unacceptable and we demand perfection..When we “should” others, we create expectations without consent, expect mindreading and for them to be the exact same as you. Both almost always guarantee disappointment when reality fails to comply to our subjective rules. Over time, this mindset activates threat based stress responses rather than growth based motivation. **We stop responding to what is actually happening and start reacting to what we believe ought to be happening. Reality loses every time and it sucks the life out of us** Some shoulds are good though!!! beecause, some shoulds are values based and actually helpful. This is what they can sound like: - I should act with integrity - I should treat people with respect and not intentionally harm them - I should take responsibility for my choices These are flexible and chosen. They guide behavior without shaming and are guided in morals and ethics. Unhealthy shoulds sound like: - I should never struggle - They should meet my needs without me asking - I should be further along than this or I should be over this by now

@Bruno Militz and I had a fantastic call last Friday and one of the topics that came up was in relation to vision, intention, and execution of goals. (Find his group here: Personal Growth School --he has a goal setting workshop coming up and his energy is solid--what a delight it was to talk to him! Absolutely love his energy. :) ) Additionally @Wesley Penner also has a group associated with planning/executing Executive Skill Journey -you've seen some of his helpful comments/feedback on here!:) Amongst other things, we talked about the different type of things that contribute to people falling short on their goals and getting discouraged and the types of things that build momentum and keep us focused. I'm kind of curious about everyone's process to goal execution. What do you do? What's your approach? I typically do a vision board--something that reminds me of the broader things/values that i want to focus on and embody. I want to focus on who I want to become/nurture as a person and take action that coincides with that. (e.g. the word connection or a picture of friends may be on the board). In addition to this, I may then break it down and have some action steps that's separate from the vision board (e.g. set up a date with a friend). I don't always put timelines on things and I also don't make it so stringent that if I somehow miss the mark it becomes discouraging. It's too easy to become discouraged. Below are some approaches that some people take (chat GPT did help with the pretty structuring and some of the info!) 1️⃣ Outcome Based Goals Focus is on the end result.Example: “I want to lose 10 pounds” or “I want to finish my degree.” ✔️ Good for direction and clarity ⚠️ Can feel overwhelming if not broken down; people often fail these without a strong why and without a strong process

I tell myself that I love a good challenge--and this is true if it's in an area where I feel either competent or excited about or both! But is it less true if those factors don't exist? Maybe. How much of a challenge is it really if it's still kind of in my comfort zone? Many people wait to feel ready before they take on something difficult. But readiness is usually the reward we get after doing the hard thing, not before. Challenges stretch our minds, expand our emotional bandwidth, and reshape our brains for the better. 🧠 Here comes the nerdy stuff!! I love it so much though: What's at work? 1. Prefrontal Cortex: This part of the brain supports planning, decision making and emotional regulation. Hard tasks strengthen this region, improving self control and long term thinking. Executive functioning skills here we come! 2. Anterior mid Cingulate Cortex: This region is activated when we face conflict, discomfort or uncertainty. It helps ups with building cognitive flexibility and grit. It helps us survive! 3. Hippocampus: Challenges promote neuroplasticity which supports learning, memory and resilience. Pushing your limits in manageable doses helps this area 4. Dopamine System: Completing difficult tasks triggers reward pathways. This builds confidence, motivation and a sense of mastery. It reinforces the message that you can do hard things and survive. And who doesn't want a little dopamine hit here and there? Taking on challenges creates internal shifts like learning we can handle discomfort, our ability to tolerate uncertainty increases, we build a sense of self trust, we start believing that we are capable, we become less reactive under pressure and stress becomes more like information rather than danger. ⚡ Why It Matters A life without challenge feels safe, but it also keeps us small and not growing. A life with challenge feels uncomfortable but we end up growing and helping ourselves down the line. We do not grow by staying within the edges of what you already know, but rather by stepping into a level of difficulty that activates your brain, stretches your identity and builds capacity you did not know you had. :) Pretty cool stuff, right? :) :)

In reading "Thinking, Fast and Slow" one of the concepts that stood out was this idea of the experiencing self vs. the remembering self and how the ending or peak moments of a situation can create a bias about the experience as a whole which then contributes to the experiencing self making decisions that are biased and potentially problematic. It actually made me think of @Serena DAfree 's AMAZING group (dafree-community--a group about domestic violence awareness) and maybe how this principle applies to victims that continue coming back to problematic situations. The experiencing self is the you that lives moment to moment. It feels the boredom, the joy, the discomfort, the calm. It exists only in the present. The remembering self is the storyteller. It looks back, edits aggressively, keeps the highlights and the emotional spikes, and then decides what something “was like.” This is the self that answers questions like “Was that trip worth it?” or “Was that relationship good for me?” (To apply it to poor relationships/bad jobs/chaotic dynamics--The experiencing self remembers the stress, the anxiety, the walking-on-eggshells feeling. It knows the situation feels bad while it’s happening. The remembering self, however, edits the footage. It keeps the intense highs, the relief after conflict, the rare good moments, and conveniently blurs the long stretches of discomfort. Then it tells a story like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “But when it was good, it was really good.” So people go back. Again and again.Not because the situation feels good overall, but because the ending or the peak moments stand out. Your brain weighs the apology, the reunion, the occasional validation more heavily than the daily emotional tax) Most of our decisions are made to satisfy the remembering self, not the experiencing one. That’s why we endure miserable commutes for status, stay in relationships that look good on paper, and chase peak moments instead of daily well-being. The remembering self loves a good story. The experiencing self just wants fewer bad moments.

Our brains are not neutral...ever wonder why one negative comment can derail your whole day while getting positive feedback barely does anything? Why it can be difficult to try new things? Why losing $20 feels worse than winning $20? Why breaking a stream feels more painful than maintaining it feels joyful? This is the brain running on 2 psychological pathways that happen automatically: The negativity bias and loss aversion. Negativity bias means your brain gives negative stimuli preferential treatment. The amygdala fires more rapidly and intensely when it detects anything potentially threatening or painful. Positive events register, but they simply do not activate the same level of neural intensity. So negative experiences feel more intense. Then, loss aversion doubles down. From a cognitive standpoint, losses are viewed as more significant than gains. The psychological “cost” of losing tends to outweigh the psychological “benefit” of gaining, even when the events are equal in size. Your brain would rather avoid the pain of losing than pursue the pleasure of winning. This means negative experiences have more gravitational pull in your mind. Let's translate this to relationships. The Gottman's (gurus on relationships who have tons of research on this) give us the example: In close relationships, you need roughly five positive interactions for every one negative to maintain stability. This ratio is not arbitrary. It counterbalances the heavier cognitive and emotional weight that negative interactions carry. A single critical comment activates both biases, so the positives must come in higher volume to keep the system regulated. 5:1!! That's some weight! But, having a ratio like this, tells us that we CAND do something about it: these biases may be automatic, BUT we can work with counteracting them a bit. We can strengthen prefrontal cortex regulation through intentional activities such as savoring, recognition of micro-moments of connection, naming strengths, repair attempts, and cognitive reframing. Basically being on the lookout for the good.