What is a modern gentleman? · Real Men Real Style Community

What is a modern gentleman?

Historically, the title of “gentleman” was a birthright, used to identify men of a certain rank among English nobility. No doubt these men were expected to be well-mannered, but their status as gentlemen didn’t depend on how they acted. They were merely born into it.

That term “gentleman” gets bandied about a lot these days, but what does it actually mean in the 21st Century? Too many think that simply being mannerly and well-dressed are the hallmarks of the modern gentleman. If you believe everything you see in print and TV advertisements you would imagine being a gentleman means that you wear impeccably-tailored suits, have well-coiffed hair, hold a glass of whisky or bourbon in your hand (neat, of course) while sitting in a leather wing chair and smoking a fine cigar in your dimly-lit private library with leather-bound books stacked on shelves that reach the ceiling. There would be a beautiful, attentive woman nearby in a skin-tight dress waiting to cater to your needs. This is the Madison Avenue concept of a gentleman, and it’s also fantasy. I’ve searched the Internet and have come up with ten recurring traits that pretty well encapsulate the concept of being a gentleman.

1) A gentleman is well-dressed.

That would be a given in this company. Well-dressed, well-groomed, polished in his presentation, whether in a tuxedo at a black-tie event or at a backyard barbecue with the neighbors. He stands out in modern society because of this; most men have slipped so far towards the sloppy and slovenly in the name of being ‘comfortable’ that the well-dressed man is an anomaly. This doesn’t mean that he over-dresses simply because he can, rather that he dresses for the occasion. Wearing a tuxedo to an informal gathering isn’t gentlemanly, it’s showing off. But remember that being a gentleman goes far beyond the clothes that you put on your back. One can be impeccably dressed and still be a horse’s ass.

2) A gentleman is kind and respectful to others and to himself.

It is a character trait that is done without regard to whether it is beneficial to him, whether learned or inherent. He demonstrates humility and is gracious to others, and puts others before himself. Education, breeding and wealth are not necessary determinants of a gentleman; he is a man of character regardless of social status. It is said that a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. He keeps his temper and rarely loses it, and never in public. This is not to say that he must become a doormat, far from it. He is still expected to stand up for that which he believes.

3) A gentleman is chivalrous.

He has manners, will perform chivalrous acts such as opening doors for women and the aged and give up his seat in a public place for the same, even when doing so gains him no recognition or praise. In the modern age these acts can be seen by some as outdated or patronizing, but he does them anyway out of a sense of courtesy and what is right.

4) A gentleman seeks to improve himself.

Whether by learning, conditioning his body, or helping others, he makes the effort to become a better man than he was the day before.

5) A gentleman has heroes and role models and learns from them.

Be it his father, a religious figure, someone in public life that he admires, someone from history that has had an effect upon his life or a fictional character, he adapts traits from those people and incorporates them into his own life, not for the appearance of being “better” but for the purpose of actually being better.

6) A gentleman is courageous.

He sticks his neck out for the principles he believes in, regardless of what others may think, and follows those principles despite the ever-changing tide of popular belief. He has an inherent concept of right and wrong and will defend that concept.

7) A gentleman is honest and trustworthy.

Honesty is a trait which is lacking these days. A gentleman does not treat honesty as something to do when it is convenient, but as an inherent part of his character. If he says he will do something, he can be counted upon to do that thing. Reliability is not optional.

8) A gentleman is self-assured.

He knows what he likes, what he wants, and what suits him best. He carries himself with a quiet dignity and is never a braggart or boastful. He is modest yet confident, and cultivates an air of ease.

9) A gentleman is generous.

Generosity with both time and attention is an inherent trait, with those he loves, his friends, but also those who cannot offer him anything in return.

10) A gentleman is refined.

This applies to both manner and possessions. He is both a curator and an editor of his own life, unapologetically pursuing things which give him pleasure and cutting out the insignificant and unworthy experiences that only serve as distractions.

It is important to recognize that all gentlemen are flawed and will commit sins, experience failures and have setbacks. It is a part of the human condition and not a sign of hypocrisy. A gentleman is not perfect. Very few can say that they encompass all of these qualities simultaneously and to the utmost. A gentleman recognizes his imperfections and attempts to improve. He can also accept imperfections in others. When a gentleman fails, observe his actions and how he overcomes challenges; that will be the true mark of his character. When a friend or loved one fails the gentleman, observe his reactions. A gentleman can forgive himself and others.

What say you? What have I missed? Discuss in the comments your opinion on these ten traits.

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What is a modern gentleman?