Bitesize lesson 1 - My attraction killers, being accountable

1) Neediness. I learnt early on from another course than I needed to stop chasing, and did this quite early, avoiding blame, guilt, begging, breaking down etc. But I am certainly still guilty of over-communicating, wanting to talk about the relationship (even if just to validate), wanting to spend time around her and misinterpreting her kindness and care towards me as signs she still wants me.

2) Trying to Control and Steer the outcome. I am often pushing for conversations, weekly. I have checked her phone a few times and found text exchanges with her best friend and that she is in a Separation Group on Facebook, as well as looking at the toxic man-hating pro-divorce reels she is digesting on instagram. I feel guilty about checking her phone. And I know if she knew it would destroy trust again. Im going to try and not do this moving forward. I keep saying I feel there is a future where we grow and come back together and pushing her for whether she wants this. I got ‘maybe’ last time, which was a small win, but I know it added pressure and probably felt manipulative to her.

3) Using Logic. This was always my default. The initial problems started with me using logic, but she knows thats how I think. I learnt quite early not to use logic against emotion, and learnt not to bring the kids into it, so feel I am not too guilty of this Attraction killer at the moment.

4) Covert Contracts. I feel I have respected where she is at with this separation in her mind and her need for autonomy, and have been actively trying not to express my needs or expect anything from her. This has been very hard, as all I want is for some validation of my needs and I would love to see her working on herself, if not the marriage, but its all me. But I know not to put that on her.

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Bitesize lesson 1 - My attraction killers, being accountable