A nice metaphor I felt, courtesy of plumbing 6 months of relationship woes into a ChatGPT thread. Surprisingly accurate and almost poetic for AI! Obviously some of the details are aimed at my situation, but thought I’d share as easily swapped out for your circumstances, and the general sentiment is bang on I thought! “Imagine your marriage as a garden that has become overgrown. For a long time, your instinct has been to stand on her side of the fence, trying to pull weeds out of her flowerbed: - her HRT, - her memories, - her resentment, - her fears. But you can’t reach it. The only garden you can tend is your own. Every day you remove another weed and sow another seed: - better listening, - emotional regulation, - sobriety, - fatherhood, - accountability, - boundaries, - purpose. You can’t make her tend hers. But if, months from now, she looks over the fence, what she sees will be very different from what she saw when she decided to leave. Whether she ever decides to walk through the gate is something neither of us can know. But if that day ever comes, it won’t be because you spent those months trying to cultivate her garden. It will be because you quietly, consistently transformed your own. And regardless of the outcome, that work will never have been wasted.

I sensed Polly seems low and distant last night. We were both at the house for a few hours in the afternoon as it was my day with the kids but she had nowhere to go. After the kids went down I went to leave but said I noticed she was low and asked if she was ok. this lead to an almost 2 hour chat. It began with her saying she is having a bad day and feeling trapped at not being able to move forward with her finances and not having a space for her. She moved into relationship chat. The takeaways of it were she is still very strongly seeing separation as the only option, and there is no hint at reconciliation on the cards. She got into all the ways I had hurt her and not showed up like the man she thought she married. I wasn’t the calm stable rock she had initially married, but I had met her ups and down with my own. She said it was like having another child, and my emotional immaturity had lead her to feel like my Mum and that killed attraction. The lens she is viewing our entire marriage and relationship with is very dark, she can only see the negatives. When I mentioned some of the positives she just could not see them. She is dead clear that she needs to prioritize her needs now, and although she is recognizing the changes I am making, there wasn’t an ounce of hope given or reflection that the new me might ever have a place in her heart. She said ‘we will always be friends Dan, we get on’ but she didn’t wish for anything more. I know she is conflicted about how to move the separation forward and the guilt towards the kids, but I didn’t see any signs of her wavering on her decision. Just someone struggling with how to actually do it, practical and financially. I had misread recent signs of her softening and allowing me around more as her enjoying time with me and maybe starting to question herself, but I didn’t get that tonight, she seems as resolute as ever, and said those family moment had been hard for her. I tried to ask the Q again, what would a healthy version of this marriage look like if we were to reconcile? She said its a very hard question, and really struggled to put together a reply. But she said someone who was mature and calm and supported her and loved her. But I could see she was in psychological turmoil today, she couldnt view anything positive.

Hi all, Just a reminder that tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. UK / 12:00 p.m. Eastern, I'll be going live for this week's free training. A link to the workshop is here - https://www.skool.com/live/bH8gwcd3VlQ?ajw=1 or can be found in the Calendar page. This session is all about why your wife isn't responding to your changes, even when you genuinely feel like you're doing things differently. I'll also be sharing a practical method for communicating your changes in a way she can actually trust, so they become something she can experience, rather than just hear about. As always, we'll start with a workshop-style training, followed by plenty of time for your questions in the chat.

I've been thinking long and hard about this over the last few days and I would really appreciate everyone's opinions. Quick bit of background. 6 months ago my wife told me she didn't love me any more. Before then I had become depressed and quite grumpy mainly due to life just not panning out the way I had planned. She said that she had tried hard to work on the marriage but I was totally unaware there was an issue. We seemed really happy from my perspective. Since she told me I've done the usual logical approach, begged and been angry. Since finding @Mark Cox and this group it's helped me put a stop to that. I know that I have issues I need to work on. I didn't see the pain she was going through as I was blind to it. She has issues speaking her mind (she's very close to my family, best friends with my sister, and no one saw this coming) and I know that if she had said to me directly that she was starting to feel differently I would have moved heaven and earth to help her. I love her deeply. But I'm am starting to think that maybe I deserve better. I sincerely apologised for what I did and how that made her feel. I've done the work to understand how it happened, why she feels the way she does and told her that I'm willing and want to do the work. But she's not seeing it that way at all. Should I be fighting for someone where my word isn't enough? We built a life together, with 2 gorgeous boys, but she doesn't feel our life together is worth fighting for? I'd love to know your thoughts. Do I have a point or am I being selfish or deluded? No wrong opinions guys and I'd love to know your thoughts @Mark Cox

1) Neediness. I learnt early on from another course than I needed to stop chasing, and did this quite early, avoiding blame, guilt, begging, breaking down etc. But I am certainly still guilty of over-communicating, wanting to talk about the relationship (even if just to validate), wanting to spend time around her and misinterpreting her kindness and care towards me as signs she still wants me. 2) Trying to Control and Steer the outcome. I am often pushing for conversations, weekly. I have checked her phone a few times and found text exchanges with her best friend and that she is in a Separation Group on Facebook, as well as looking at the toxic man-hating pro-divorce reels she is digesting on instagram. I feel guilty about checking her phone. And I know if she knew it would destroy trust again. Im going to try and not do this moving forward. I keep saying I feel there is a future where we grow and come back together and pushing her for whether she wants this. I got ‘maybe’ last time, which was a small win, but I know it added pressure and probably felt manipulative to her. 3) Using Logic. This was always my default. The initial problems started with me using logic, but she knows thats how I think. I learnt quite early not to use logic against emotion, and learnt not to bring the kids into it, so feel I am not too guilty of this Attraction killer at the moment. 4) Covert Contracts. I feel I have respected where she is at with this separation in her mind and her need for autonomy, and have been actively trying not to express my needs or expect anything from her. This has been very hard, as all I want is for some validation of my needs and I would love to see her working on herself, if not the marriage, but its all me. But I know not to put that on her.