💡 Motivation vs. Manipulation – Part 3

So let’s ask the question: Why do we manipulate?

I believe it’s because it’s what we’ve learned. It’s something we picked up in our homes growing up, and we carried it into adulthood, often without even realizing it. When we start to examine our hearts, we begin to see where this could have come from.

Think about it: many of us were taught the roots of manipulation from the very beginning.

Let’s take young children as an example. They learn by mirroring the people around them. That’s how they learn to walk, to talk, even how to react. Now, what’s the word they hear more than almost any other in those early years?“No! “No, don’t touch that! “No, stop! “No, no, no!”

So what happens when the “terrible twos” hit? They mirror it back. You tell them to do something; they say “No!” Then comes the tantrum.

See, from the very start, we haven’t been taught to motivate them; we’ve been taught to control behavior. We react to our frustration instead of meeting their need. Instead of saying, “Here’s what you can do” or showing them a better way, we try to stop what we don’t like. And because we’re human, that “No!” often comes with a raised voice or a panicked tone.

I remember my kids in the kitchen pulling out every pot and pan while I was cooking. I’d say, “No! But looking back, they weren’t trying to make my life hard; they were mirroring me. They wanted the pots and pans because they made noise, because they saw me using them. Their God-given ability to learn through mirroring could have been an opportunity for me to motivate instead of manipulate.

This is where we have to dig up the roots. We can’t just fix the leaves; we’ve got to get to the very depth of the root where manipulation started, so we can replace it with true motivation.

And this isn’t about beating ourselves up. It’s about feedback, about growing into better moms, dads, friends, spouses, leaders.

Part of that growth is forgiveness.

Forgive the people who manipulated you; they were just passing on what they’d learned.
Forgive yourself because you were doing the best you could with the tools you had.

I’ve learned to speak forgiveness out loud: “I forgive you, [name]. I release you. You owe me nothing. I bless you.”And then for myself: “I forgive you, [my name]. I release you. You owe me nothing. I bless you as someone whose heart is to motivate and bring out the best in others.”

When we forgive and bless, we uproot manipulation at its source. Our hearts become pure, our motives clean. And with a pure heart, we can use the beautiful skill of motivation, calling out the best in people, without the strings of manipulation attached.

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