Please critique my cold email · Copywriting Launchpad

Anupam Parajuli

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Please critique my cold email

Bash me, Destroy me, humble me but please give me honest feedback on this cold email that I have sent.

Context

Business : Corporate coaching / Leadership Coaching

Ben Campbell (owner) : Found from an interview that he is into cycling and he regularly goes on rides for new ideas

Goal : sending him a loom video where I can pitch 5 email-email sequence welcome mat

I tried to stand out and write with research so that this doesnt feel automated and actually feels personal.

Had a lot of trouble with connecting the cycling part to pitching my services ( if its a bad idea - what would be the better approach in this context )

Tried as much as I can to use "You", "your business" and tried to communicate whats in it for him rather than my own personal benefit. So here is the email

SL : Does cycling really help you come with ideas ?

Hey Ben,

I read the flying solo interview you did a couple years ago and I was shocked to hear that you can come up with ideas when cycling

I can barely focus on breathing during a ride let alone think straight (I am more of a walk person)

And I actually came up with an idea for your website

Specifically - your Corporate Brochure and Book Reading List could have a welcome email sequence behind them to generate leads and turn them into paying clients

As an email copywriter I work with coaches on exactly this, and we can strategically use free resources on your website to acquire new clients

I made a short 2 minute video showing the 4 step method that can be used for your business

I wanted to ask for permission before sending it to you.

Thank You,

Anupam

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